DAYNE ONLINE

Where have all the bloggers gone?

2010-10-29T10:52:00.000-07:00

Where are you guys? Only a few of the original blogger crew are still active. I click and click and click looking for familiar faces only to see deleted accounts and inactive pages. Where have all the bloggers gone? Has Twitter taken over blogger too?

IT GETS BETTER

2010-10-01T19:10:00.000-07:00

A couple of days ago I found out about the “It Gets Better” project, inspired by Dan Savage to inspire gay youth/young adults and let them know that life… really does get better. Recently we’ve seen several accounts of the “downside of gay” from the Bishop Eddie Long fiasco, to the college suicides which happened earlier this week.

Growing up gay, bisexual, lesbian, or any other way that seems to deviate from what society views as normal is difficult. We all have a story and sadly those stories have more disturbing similarities than not. It’s rare to hear a “coming out” story where the person is embraced 100% with open arms, life instantly becomes peachy and happily ever after begins—life usually doesn’t work this way. I know my story and it was no fairytale.

A large part of why I wrote my first book was to help teens/young adults by showing them another way. I wanted to show them that there are many facets to life and it really is ok to simply be you.

When I was coming up it was a very odd time to be LGBT. There were NO positive images of black gay males that I could remember seeing. There was this secret society that went by the code of “don’t ask don’t tell” waaaaaaaaaaaaaay before t military adopted it. Because I had no one to look up to or “show me the ropes” I made plenty of mistakes finding my way. I wanted to help young people keep from making the same mistakes I did.

Getting back to “It Gets Better”…As I went through to watch the videos, what I noticed was there were only a few black faces scattered in between the many submissions. Is this because we are still not asking and not telling? Cleary not! If you look at our youth you can see they are practically begging for answers. So should we change the old tried and true “don’t ask, don’t tell” philosophy to “ask away, we just won’t say shit”? We’ve gotta help this next generation. Hell we have to do more to help ourselves. In helping them, we help us.

I’m getting ready to make my video. I’d like to see some more shades of black among the submissions. Trust me, it will go a long way.

To find out more you can google the Dan Savage It Gets Better Project

Or search “It Gets Better” on YouTube

Can You Hear Me Now?

2010-09-23T16:34:00.000-07:00

Long time no see…They say what a difference a day makes…Imagine a year and two months. My last post was July 24, 2009 as a farewell to E.Lynn. It felt like more like a farewell to Dayne Avery. I’d lost my voice and felt I had nothing left to say. Tongue-tied and transfixed between what started as an online diary, to up close and personal. It started to become a little overwhelming. In my private life I am just that—private, very private. So, while it felt good to release any and everything on my mind the drawback was the fact that it could be read by anyone. Add that to the fact that I had someone in my personal life using my blog to “get to me” and…and…and…THEN THERE WAS SILENCE.

Well I finally feel like I have something to say. Holding it in isn’t good for me so I’ll try this thing once more. I’m not even sure if anyone is still out there listening. But I’ll do it for me and hope like the last time someone else get something from what I have to say.

Stay tuned…

E. Lynn Harris

2009-07-24T09:34:00.000-07:00

Those that know me know one of my biggest influences was E. Lynn Harris. I've heard that he has died. Not sure if it's true yet but just thought I would share.

This was taken from the Arkasas Times.

E. Lynn Harris, the best-selling Arkansas author known for contemporary stories about African-Americans, has suffered a serious health setback. His personal assistant confirmed an unspecified health event, but said she was awaiting word from a hotel where Harris was staying on a book tour before providing further information.
UPDATE: Arkansas Sports 360 reports that Harris has died at age 54 during a West Coast book tour. The item does not cite a source, but Harris was close to the UA Athletic Department and had worked as coach and sponsor of the cheerleaders.

Invisible life changed my life. Prior to reading it I'm not ashamed now to say that I hadn't read a novel cover to cover. My eyes were opened that there were stories being written about me, about us. It inspired me to write as well.

Work That!

2007-12-13T10:12:00.001-08:00

This is a formal retraction of the last post…lol. Sometimes I get pissed off dealing with bullshit that sometimes comes along with the territory. But after some retrospection I sulked for 5 minutes then found a new perspective. Thanks for the feedback even after I’ve been MIA for a few weeks. Long story short… you just gotta work it (whatever it is) and let the haters do what they do. After all they have a job to do to (hate). And if I/you let it keep you down, they win.

Cant wait for the new Mary album. So far she is killing it.

public domain/staying true

2007-12-11T09:53:00.000-08:00

I was listening to the Doo Dirty Show today. Shout out to DJ www.ddirtyshow.podomatic.com over there in NY. I haven’t blogged in a while and his show today got me to break my silence…temporarily. It really got me to thinking.

One thing I can respect about this kat is that he gives it raw and unfiltered. After a very dramatic interview, he started talking about the downside of being in the public eye. I mean he really broke it down. Prior to today I never considered myself public domain. When I started this writing years ago it was just for enjoyment. My blog was an online diary. I never expected anyone to read it. When people started reading, leaving comments, and connecting me to my books I couldn’t believe that my ordinary life could have an impact on anyone else. But I’ve realized is that its just that…my ordinary world isn’t always ordinary. The things I go through and how I deal with them is what impacts others.

So, my blogs became more personal and I teetered on the fence of telling all my business and not telling anything at all. I felt I was doing the readers an injustice by not sharing things from my personal life but was scared to put it all out there. I’ve always been a very private person but blogging seemed harmless because I was posting things to an online world of people I didn’t know and would never see. WRONG. I also realized is that our community is so small. To hell with 6 degrees of separation in this small world it’s more like one or two.

What started as innocent expression turned into recognition. However with recognition comes all the drama DJ talked about. People gossiping, lying, and trying to bring you down just because. It seemed like the more attention I got the more people started disliking me. The same ones that claimed I was so nice were some of the same ones spreading lies about me in secret. But as a man I ignored it and continued to go on with my life and not get caught up in chaos because that’s just not me. I’ve seen all types in the past few years from kind hearted artists who don’t mind lifting up others and sharing their expertise. Then I’ve seen the catty ass fake fabulous types who live for the spotlight and will do anything to get there. I’ve seen people changing like the weather.

But back to my point…is this what being public domain is? Do success and a little recognition rob you of the innocence of creativity? I started this thing with pure intentions and with that intent I’ll remain. And before I let the same thing happen to me that I’ve seen happen to quite a few of my brothers in the game I’ll bow out. Staying true to you is better than the hype. So to those who have asked why they haven’t seen me around as much online, why I am not in many of the well known circles, and why I’m not promoting or touring as much as other people…I’m staying true to myself.

2007-11-22T21:57:00.000-08:00

THANKFUL!

Reviews

2007-11-11T17:12:00.000-08:00

(Thank you Bronze Buckaroo for bringing this to my attention) I had no idea that keithboykin.com had a review of “I Wrote This Song” on his website. When “Bronze” let me know about the review, I immediately went to the site and BOOM my grill and big-ass, kool aid smile is on the front page. This was one of those ta-da moments—one of the many that I will take with me forever on this journey.

Lee Hayes emailed me earlier in the week, letting me know that Stanley Bennett Clay…(Mr. “In Search of Pretty Young Black Men” himself) reviewed my fist novel “I Wrote This Song”. I was honored (shocked and honored). Then to see that the folks over at wwwKeithBoykin.com showed me love by posting the review was another ta-da! Keith is this awesome activist who has been on major television stations, written New York Times-bestsellers, and has done so many other incredible things. I’m still kinda shocked. These men are some of the “whose who” in our community. Here I am, climbing up the rough side of the mountain of success…lol

However, I have learned that you must celebrate EVERY victory, not just the major ones. By being grateful for everything that comes your way, you will be blessed with so much more. I am thankful and humbled by the support and look forward to even greater things to come. We still have so much work to do. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed at the many things I want to accomplish verses where I am. Then, God shows up at times and situations like this to remind me that all is well. The world will soon enough find out who Dayne Avery is.

Check out the review and post your comments at http://www.keithboykin.com/. Show me love guys.

Just Like You

2007-11-08T08:25:00.001-08:00

One thing I’ve realized by blogging is that there is a common thread that unites us all. No matter how much of an individual I think I am or how unique I feel my experiences have been—through blogging I’ve realized that we really aren’t that different. We go through similar situations, similar feelings, have similar beliefs and when it comes down to it, we are uniquely individual yet similar in our ways. We are all hustling to make our lives better and learning major life lessons along the way. Often times I hold back my thoughts because I know when I “post” everyone can see my vulnerability. Then, it becomes open territory for speculation, interpretation, and misinterpretation. But even in those times of holding back, I may go to one of my fellow bloggers pages and see that they are going through a similar situation that I may have wanted to post, but didn’t. It amazes me. If our community came together in the world like we do on blogger- don’t you know we would be force to be dealt with? A powerful network of who’s who and what’s what on a global level. We have political voices, legal voices, creative voices, and many other realms all in this blogworld. If we united…oh my God could you imagine the outcome? Well anyway enough rambling from me. I just wanted to take a moment and say thanks to everybody who checks out my blog and for those who are still blogging for helping us realize that “I’m just like you.”

2007-10-29T08:46:00.000-07:00

I ran into the person I had sex with for the first time yesterday. Maybe I should say the person I gave my virginity to, but that makes it sound much better than it was. And I didn’t give it. It was more like manipulation. It’s been over 9 years, but I wonder why every time I see him I still get that feeling. I don’t love him—not even sure if I like him that much as a person after how things went down. Nevertheless, whenever I see him my heart starts beating fast. I get nervous and I lose my train of thought. Why do I feel this way?

I was 17. He was 23. I was naive and to say he was experienced would be an understatement. There was something about him back then that gave me the feeling I had yesterday, but at a higher level and I swore it was love. The night we had sex I was home from college for the weekend. I knew what I wanted. We had been talking on the phone for weeks, knew each other for years—I wanted him bad. There was just something about him that made me weak. Maybe because he was in a position of power, maybe it was his sense of humor, his age, confidence, or a combination of all the above. I WANTED HIM BAD. I came to his house, we watched tv, stumbled over an awkward conversation because we both knew what I came for—a few minutes later it was over. No kissing, no foreplay, no romance, no passion. For a long time I thought that’s what sex was. Thankfully, years later I learned otherwise.

That night the sex hurt in everyway possible, mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally. What had I done? He didn’t love me. We didn’t even kiss. I convinced myself that I was ready, yet I was anything but. I told myself that it was ok, but wanted so much more, telling myself losing your virginity was beautiful only in movies and romance novels. I went on to make a fool out of myself for this man. Maybe I’ll post about that later.

The worst part was finding out that he took my cousin’s (who was my best friend at the time) virginity also.

What is the feeling I have for him? It kinda feels like butterflies but not the pretty yellow and orange ones. This feeling is more like the big, scary black and brown butterflies that look more like giant moths. Why do I feel this way every time I see him? It isn’t love and it isn’t hate. Is it the ignition of all my dreams for us that sparks every time I look into his eyes. I have moved on years ago, pushing these memories away from my conscious mind. Why does his presence always bring them back?

2007-10-18T05:44:00.001-07:00

Okay so I have this new book “Details”. I know, I know. Everybody and their mama have books now. Well, for me it’s been about writing for the love of being creative. However, I can’t say that there is not a part of me that wants to be appreciated and respected as an artist. And in order for that to happen, people have to know about my work. Right? Right!

Well, I thought about doing some crazy publicity stunt like most of the people in Hollywood. I thought about going out with no draws and getting out of my car really slow so paparazzi could get snaps of my ass. Hey, it worked for Brittany spears. There’s only one problem—no paparazzi here in Delaware. Ok, so then I thought about getting high on cocaine and running around in public like a complete idiot for attention or leaking a sex tape on the internet. Hey, what about if I do something dumb and get sent to jail? That’s good for about 100,000 sales right? But picture me in jail…NUFF SAID!

What most people think are just random celebrity mishaps are actually cleverly crafted marketing tricks by publicists to get attention and sales. Since I have no publicist, no manager, and basically Just Dayne…what’s a man to do?

Instead of making an ass of myself. I will just keep putting out quality work and hope that my art speaks for itself. I’m on my hustle and I know one day it will pay off. My immediate family doesn’t support the books because they don’t agree with the content. I can understand that, but I damn sure don’t agree. I’ve given up thinking that they will realize they should support me because they love me rather than trying to ignore my hard work, just like my sexuality. They are good people, I just wish they could realize that what I’m doing is not about homosexuality. It’s so much bigger than that. And for each time I get an email saying how much someone liked my books and what its done for them—I know the mission is slowly becoming a reality.

So I said all that to say…”Details” and “I Wrote This Song”, my two novels are on sale now.
http://www.dayneavery.com/

2007-10-13T16:36:00.000-07:00

People always ask me what I am mixed with. Though both my mother and father are black, people usually don’t believe it at first (especially in the winter). Yes, there was some race mixing down the line like with my great grandparents, but there was so much that I can never say for sure what blood is in my veins. I know about the Native American, and Irish because I’ve seen pictures, but that’s all.

Anyway, I was at the movies the other day and a few people had me wanting to call on my ancestors. There was an ambush of the ghetto nation—people acting like it was their first time out of the house. In that moment, I wasn’t black anymore, that’s just how embarrassed I was. I wanted to say great granddaddy Irish man and great granddaddy Sleeping Horse, why did you shack up with great granny Ester Johnson?

This chick at the movies hollers out to her boyfriend to let him know where she was seated. Mind you, she is yelling out from over twenty feet away…

“CHARLES”
“CHARLES”
“I’M OVER HERE CHARLES”

Charles’ ass must have been blind or deaf. This lady was yelling out for dear life and he still couldn’t find her. I was 15 rows away and I could hear her. Why couldn’t Charles? All the while I was thinking to myself if I was black. She was black and I was nothing like her. I love my heritage. I’m just joking about not wanting to be black, but dammit—this woman made a mockery of the Underground Railroad, civil rights movement, and the last century of black progress.

She continues yelling during the movie and the people behind her said shut up. OOOOOOOOOO when they did that the reserved ghetto in this chick overflowed. Oh yes, there was even more.

“DON’T YOU TELL ME TO SHUT UP,” she yells.
“YOU SHUT UP!” she demanded.
“CHARLES, I’M OVER HERE DO YOU SEE ME? They not gonna tell me to shut up. Who the hell they think they is…blah blah blah.”

She keeps yelling until her deaf, dumb, and blind, husband finally found his squalling wife. Then, she proceeds to talk through the movie. Not only that… others were on the phone, came in late talking like they were at the club and just being g-h-e-t-t-o. I just covered my face and told myself I was Puerto Rican until the movie ended.
Can you think of a time when someone of your race made you want to cross the color line for a few hours?

2007-10-09T07:26:00.000-07:00

How do you balance peace and being passive? Let me explain. Lately I have been very passive and I’m not sure if I enjoy it. From age 11- up until 3 years ago, I had this chip on my shoulder and dared anyone to try to take it off. I used my mouth as a deadly weapon and had more than a few physical fights. It was my way or no way. If you did something to get under my skin, I would either cut you off or cuss you out. There was no other option. But as I got older, I began to realize that everybody and every situation isn’t worth my anger. In the long run, my vengeance was hurting me much more than any of my opponents. Sure, it may have looked like I won the battle by cursing and fighting. But the anger I carried in my heart, mind, and body after the fights were over tore me apart. My anger was eating me alive.

Over the last few years I’ve been doing a lot better.

What helped with my anger?

1. One of the greatest lessons I learned was consider your source. (Why get upset at someone who you don’t respect/admire? Example. You’re out and this broke down creature from the black lagoon—with 3 teeth—whispers behind your back “You think your all that”. Realize it’s jealousy speaking and keep it moving. Realize what the creature really wants to say is “damn, he is cute, and I wish I had all my teeth too…”)

2. Knowing that everyone doesn’t want/need to hear my side.

3. Meditation/prayer

4. Maturity (each year I get a little more wisdom)

However, this leads to my question. How do I balance this peace with passiveness? I don’t want to be perceived as a passive kitten of a man, nor get walked over. And I really don’t want to come off as the mean ass I once was. It feels like sooooooo many things now aren’t even worth worrying about when you feel a certain inner peace. Sadly, others tend to see that as weakness and prey on it.

That inner biyotch is still in me even after maturing, meditation, and wisdom. When it comes out it’s hard to put away. Though I am not as quick to argue as I once was, when I do…ooooooooweeeeeeeeee. Lately, I find myself letting a lot of things slide that I maybe shouldn’t. Sometimes I find myself being passive aggressive to avoid confrontation. Is it better this way?

How do you balance? Do you balance?

OH HAPPY DAY

2007-10-04T13:15:00.000-07:00

Today was a little bit chaotic. I almost had it out with an Office Depot employee who didn’t know her right from left foot. I hate it when I have to get mean, but sometimes I love it too (just not usually in public). In the midst of all the chaos, something great was happening. When I got home I had the package I’ve been waiting for. My author-proof copy of my second novel “Details”. I had to calm down to enjoy the moment in its fullness.

I would like to take a moment and thank everyone for the support and encouragement through this lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg process. I’ve been through lies, thieves, cheats, and more trying to get this book released. Drama drama and more drama. I could start to go into details, but I would rather you save your eyes for “Details” instead.

The wait is also due to the fact that I’m trying to juggle school, occasional work, the attempts of a social life, and trying to take over the world-one day at a time. I have got to say thank you again for enduring the wait. The book will be on sale soon!

Can I get a what...what???

2007-10-02T10:06:00.000-07:00

After critisism from GLAAD(the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation), Ja Rule followed up a recent, anti-gay interview with Complex magazine. He now claims his comments were taken out of context:

Initial quote from Ja Rule- “Let’s talk about all these f***ing shows that they have on MTV that is promoting homosexuality, that my kids can't watch this sh**. Dating shows that’s showing two guys or two girls in mid-afternoon. Let's talk about sh** like that! If that's not f***ing up America, I don't know what is.”

Ja Rule’s retration after scrutiny from GLAAD- “It’s really not my business. I really could care less. I have relatives that are homosexuals and, you know, they come over for Christmas, hang out.” The rapper’s Complex interview revealed him as a critic of gay marriage.

Hmmmmmmm doesn’t that follow up sound like pure biggotry? That’s like a racist claiming not to be predjudice because they work, and have “friends” who are black. Sounds good but I’m not buying it. I know the media can twist things and even make things up. But its hard to take that intitial interview out of context. If he was misquoted he needs to sue instead of worrying about a half assed clean up campain to make him look better.

This is a response from GLAAD reguarding Ja Rules recent comment. “No fair-minded person can look at Ja Rule's interview with Complex magazine and believe for one second that his children could be more harmed by what they might see on television than by the vulgarity and prejudice that comes out of their father's mouth. Now that media have seen Ja Rule's intolerance unmasked by his own words, they have a responsibility not to provide in the future a platform for his ugly, vulgar displays of prejudice.”

You be the judge. I think he does have a point about what types of things should be shown on daytime television. However, shouldn't parents monitor what their children see? Two words PARENTAL CONTROL. I really wish people would stop blaming outside sources for poor parenting. He also has a point on how the media is the ultimate spin doctor. Anyway-- like I said, you be the jugde. Is this a valid issue or just a way to get some hype for a certain someones new album?

2007-10-01T04:42:00.000-07:00

On Sunday I participated in my first Aids walk. It was beautiful and surely wont be my last. To see everyone there from such diverse backgrounds, united by such a positive cause blew my mind. As I walked the 3 mile course, I discovered parts of Delaware I’ve never seen. I realized my little state isn’t bad at all. It has a lot to offer but you have to go out and find it unlike Atlanta where things just find you.

I stepped in dog sh!t. I got in my car like “what the hell is that smell!”. Then, I started hoping the people I was around didn’t smell the poo on my shoe. My feet felt and smelled like a 80 year old man name Cletus, and I had a bad allergy/ecoli attack later that day where the bathroom ended up smelling worse than my shoes. But all and all, the experience was wonderful. I can’t wait for next year. I’ll be taking sponsors and pledges. I want to play my part in putting an end to the hiv/Aids epidemic.

Happy Monday

Mary J. Blige -

2007-09-28T08:25:00.001-07:00

Hello all my beautiful blog people! Happy Friday. Hope you all had a wonderful week. Today, I’ve been inspired to share my latest inspiration with you. Mary J. Blige has been in the game for years. I remember getting her first album as a Christmas gift from my classmate Raven. Yes, I said cassette (remember those?). Fastforward many years later…the first single from her upcoming album had me feeling high as I heard it for the 1st time on the way to class yesterday.

Basically, it’s a celebration of life. Right now. I’m in the celebration phase and I love the way it feels. Life gets hard for all of us every now and then but most of us subconsciously call heartache and keep it around for way too long. Well, right now, just like the song says…my life is just fine.

I feel incredible when I think about the changes I’ve made over the last 2 years. I was in a dramatic situation that I walked away from and have been rebuilding ever since. I left Atlanta and vowed to get back to a beautiful place. That beautiful place is inside of me. I’m getting my shit together and I love the way it feels. I’m on a mission and this song is my confirmation for the moment.

To all those out there who may be waist deep in drama and are afraid to cut your ties, leave, and not look back—wake it up. Life will only get better when you make it. No one will do it for you. Take the necessary steps to make your life “Just Fine”. Fuck the haters, naysayers, and the ones trying to hold you back. Go for it! Nobody is gonna do it like you.

MY TWIN

2007-09-20T06:04:00.001-07:00

I’ve always wanted a brother…more specifically I always wanted a twin brother. Most kids have invisible friends at one point while growing up. One of my invisible friends was a twin brother. He was someone who looked and acted just like me; he could feel my pain and loved the same things I did. Though my invisible brother was great, he wasn’t real. As I grew older, I secretly thought about the possibility of my father having other children before he met my mother—that idea was a long shot and damn near impossible. Long story short, I never got my brother.

Lately, people have been telling me about this guy here in Delaware. First, my mom told me, then my sister, and just the other day my cousin--even my dad, which makes me really wonder about this man. They say he looks just like me. I find this to be amazing. There have been a few people who I thought looked a little like me in the past. However, I’ve never run across anyone who I thought looked just like me as my family keeps saying about this mysterious Delaware man.

I want to meet him. I want to know if he is anything like me. Does he like any of the things I do? Did he have an awkward ugly duckling phase while growing up like me? Are his idiosyncrasies anything like mine? Did he have to learn to find the beauty in himself or did he always think he was cute? If we met would we bond? Would we acknowledge how identical our exteriors are? Does he turn pale like a ghost in the winter the same way I do? Has he been secretly longing to meet his twin just like me?

I have to meet this man.

Have you ever met your twin? If not, what are some of the things you would ask them if/when you meet?

YOU THINK YOU ARE REAL?

2007-09-10T08:22:00.000-07:00

Someone shared this with me and I had to share it with ya'll. True, this is from a children's story and we all all "grown". However, the symbolism is beautiful. Being "real" isn't just about speaking your mind (no matter how foolish). It's not about being loud and demanding. Being real is about vulnerability, love, and losing the fear of being hurt in the process. And to all the people hollering about being real and keeping it real--these stuffed animals probably know more about it than you. Enjoy!

VELVETEEN RABBIT
by Margery Williams
(this starts at the point when the Skin Horse and the Rabbit are talking)

The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.

"The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

The Rabbit sighed. He thought it would be a long time before this magic called Real happened to him. He longed to become Real, to know what it felt like; and yet the idea of growing shabby and losing his eyes and whiskers was rather sad. He wished that he could become it without these uncomfortable things happening to him.

2007-09-03T17:52:00.000-07:00

I just noticed that I have done over a hundred posts yeaaaaaaaah happy anniversary.

Okay moving on...My question is for the fellas. Men, would you hit a female? Yes this question is random as hell. Those of you who read my blog know that I am a random type of guy. So I ask again, would you hit a woman?

I was always raised that a man should never hit a woman under any circumstance. But I think women sometimes exploit a man’s good home training. I was talking to my sister yesterday and I had a funny flashback that sparked this post. When I was in the 7th grade, one day on the bus there was this ghetto chick who had it out for me because her sister liked me. One thing led to another. The next thing I know this crazy girl was landing blows. So I’m sitting there just letting her do what she does because I was raised never to hit a female. I hear my momma’s instilments whispering in my ear not to hit back. Meanwhile the girl is going wack, wack, wack. She was going to town on me...lol. It was so embarrassing. I tried to hold her arms, but she was going O F F! What’s even worse was that I was in front of all my friends. She scratched my nose and made it look like I had a nosebleed from the fight. So embarrassing.

So the conversation with my sister came about because we were talking about one of my crazy “relatives”. This “relative” is unstable. She goes into rages and likes to hit. I avoid her sometimes because I fear that my attitude will have me stoop to her level. I told my sister this and she was like “What! Boy you know you can’t hit a woman.” Then I told her the story about me in the 7th grade and how I would never let that happen again. We were baggin up.

Anyway, I’m a grown ass man. I don’t go out getting into fights like when I was a child. But, under certain circumstances (i.e. crazy relative) I feel like I must be prepared. Lady or not, I say if you put your hands on me you should be prepared for me to do the same. Is this wrong?
Pardon my randomness, that’s just me. lol

American Idol

2007-08-29T09:01:00.000-07:00

Hey, its been a few days since I’ve posted. I’m just checking in a saying hello. I went to the American Idol auditions in philly the other day. How about I stood in line for a few hours. Oh yeah there were all these annoying people there singing as I stood in line making asses of themselves. I kept looking at them like shut the hell up—they didnt. Lol. Well after all that I overheard somebody saying something about registration. My doofy ass didn’t know anything about registration until it was too late. I thought you just stand in line and go in. I had to laugh at myself even though I was a little disappointed. I remembered watching the Fantasia Barinno Story and how the old janitor guy let her in. So something told me to stay in line and maybe the guy would let me in even though it didn’t register. NOPE. I got to the inside of the Wachovia Center and saw that they were taking tickets. I was about to bum rush my way in, and then I hesitated. The line I was in had a large group and the ticket taker had stepped to the side to help them. He had his back turned. It was my moment to run in through the turnstile. But my feet stopped. I hesitated and as I stepped up he was like “ticket and armband”. I was like damn damn damn.

I wanted to go to see what the judges would say. It seems like American idol looses steam every year. Last year was the worst. I would watch and think I can do better. Now I wont know...lol

Maybe next year.
Did anyone audtion? If so how did it go?

2007-08-23T07:50:00.001-07:00

I’m a dot.com now! Website under construction. Let me know your thoughts.http://www.dayneavery.com/

Ten Questions

2007-08-20T19:04:00.000-07:00

Below are ten questions—this is a very random post—just for conversation. Answer as many as you like. This is just a way for me to get your feedback. I like when ya’ll comment.

Don’t you just hate it when people drive cop cars but aren’t cops? Stop scaring me when I’m going a little too fast on the highway and get a regular car.
Should Myspace have an age limit? If so, what should it be?
Having nieces has really changed my perspective on having kids. That burning desire has been quenched. I will be waiting at least a few more years. How about you?
I’m pretty stubborn, don’t like driving, and love sleeping in my own bed. Name 3 of your “negative” traits.
I can’t function without at least 8 hours of sleep. What’s the one thing you need everyday?
Is young Joc really bringing back the 80’s cuts? Did you ever have a Peewee, Gumby, box, tail, shag, or step? If they come back in style will you revisit history?
It’s almost my b-day and that always officially marks the end of my summer. This summer was great—very productive. I took a few great trips and even spotted a few bloggers. It just happened that I recognized them once it was too late. FYI Frankie is hott in person. How was your summer?
Would you rather be stared at by someone who is interested in you or have them play the “I’m not looking game”, stealing glances when they think you cant see them? What the hell ever happened to good old seduction?
I think I am finally starting to realize one of my missions in life—not sure stay tuned. Do you know yours? Are you still searching?
Creating makes me feel better than anything else in the world. What makes you feel the best?

2007-08-18T10:48:00.000-07:00

I’m in Virginia now, but I had to blog about this situation. I came for Tye Tribbett’s 3rd recording. For those of you that don’t know Tye is a gospel recording artist. And for those of you who don’t know I was once a regular church goer, but I am not anymore. As I looked around last night at the concert I remembered why. When is someone going to effectively address the hypocrisy in the church?

Within the first five minutes of the program, comments about homosexuality were made. I said to myself—okay self don’t worry about it, don’t let this affect your experience. But, after about the 5th reference to homosexuality that night, I started to get pissed. I watched as the men in the crowd agreed with the “sexual perversion” which is homosexuality, yet many of them were clearly gay. In fact, many I can dare say have had at least a few experiences with the same sex. I also watched while some got hot under the collar while the attacks came too close to home. Keep in mind some major gospel names were in attendance who I know through experience can say have had a penis or two in their mouth.

During his sermonette, he took the time to preach about homosexuality yet again. He also talked about secular music and how it sends spirits into your life. Didn’t he record with some of the biggest R&B stars in the game? He talked about the clothes you wear sending a message of death. In his opinion people shouldn’t wear “urban” clothes, pictures of dead people (i.e. Bob Marley, Jimmy Hendrix), nor symbols such as guns or skulls with crossbones—(as he spoke I couldn’t help but overlook the black arm band which I guess he failed to realize was a symbol of mourning.) There were many contradictions he made that night. I take nothing from him or what he is trying to do but when is someone finally going to stand up and say its time out for the preaching “Do as I say, not as I do.”?

Shouldn’t the church be a place of love and tolerance and not hypocrisy and judgment? Do people with skulls in their closet have the right to tell you to get rid of yours? I was telling my friend that this is what keeps many people from coming to church because they know that some of the biggest heathens are on pew number 23.

POWERGAY

2007-08-15T07:37:00.000-07:00

I have been saying for years that I want to be a powergay. A powergay is a gay professional that is making moves all while being open with his/her sexuality. There are many gays in the spotlight, but they hide their sexuality. In my opinion this sends a message that being gay is still taboo and should be hidden. I’ve never wanted my orientation to define or limit me—if anything I want to wear it as an accessory (something like a 80 karat diamond—something I’m proud to showcase—something others envy.) Its a hard battle to be open to a world who usually only sees “gay” as sin and the negative stereotypes shown in the media. One day I want to be open, the next I don’t. But what is my indecisiveness doing to help those who come after me?

I dream of being a mogul who commands attention and inspires others. I want to be celebrated as someone who doesn’t just exist. I want to make a difference. Most of all I want to help young people who are struggling with their sexuality and keep them from making any of the mistakes I did. Powergay training is hard work. It means discovering that life doesn’t give you chances—you must take them. It means knowing that life isn’t fair, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be. I realize I cannot do any of those things without being true to myself. The training is demanding, but mark my words...I will one day be a powergay...lol. I feel like life is still preparing me for my role. It’s giving me something to say, experiences to share, and advice to give others so that when I finally get my platform-I will shine.

In today’s society, do you feel that being open with your sexuality will limit you? Gays run the spectrum from closeted to out and proud. Do you feel that the out members are doing our community a service or disservice? And on the flip side, do you think that the closeted members should be more forthright. Do you feel that not being open keeps you from being authentic? Should they help with dispelling stereotypes and myths of what being gay is? Should they stand up and demand change like the civil rights radicals of the past? Do you feel any obligation to make mainstream society embrace our culture? Are you happy with the way things are for the gay community? If so why? If not what will you do to change it? And most of all, how do you feel when watching the younger generation getting caught up in the negative parts of the lifestyle because they have no examples of a strong, black, gay, role model?

Journal Entry #96

2007-08-09T11:02:00.000-07:00

One of the best things I’ve done for myself lately has been not dating. It has allowed me to focus my attention on more important things and give myself the attention I would give to someone else. I’m back to the celibacy stage and the thing that has made this transition easier is having “friends”. It’s good to have someone to hang out with every now and then non-romantically and talk to on a buddy level. But what do you do when that friend tries to turn into a friend/date?

Lately I feel cursed. I mean...I’ve tried to have platonic relationships and they’ve ended up going left. I always say from the start “I’M NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP!” Someone ends up catching feelings (that someone not being me). Then, the other person gets mad and there goes the “friendship”. I say oh well because they couldn’t have been that much of a friend if it’s like that. It’s like people would rather I lie, lead them on, and treat them like garbage as long as they get the title of “boyfriend”.

I’m 25 and I selfishly want to enjoy being single for a little while longer. I want to establish myself without having to worry about appeasing a mate. Is that wrong? When I tell men this, they look at me like I have 3rd eye. And instead of listening, they think my truth is a way of playing hard to get. They think if they try harder that eventually I will give in. NO NO NO! I’ve tried relationships, now I want to date myself. If one more person asks me if I have a man yet... It’s like they don’t believe you can be content being single—I am. One day that guy will come along, but right now I’m not looking for him and I would appreciate if my so-called “friends” quit trying to make me find him—in them.
They say its better when you don’t look anyway.

FAMILY REUNION

2007-08-06T13:31:00.001-07:00

This weekend was amazing. My mom’s side of the family had an informal reunion hosted by the younger generation. It took us “kids” to round everybody up in the same setting with the exclusion of a wedding or funeral. Seeing everybody together was a beautiful thing. It’s freaky seeing my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins aging. The cousins I used to get into trouble with when we were kids are all grown up now with kids and families of their own. I’ve seen people who I thought would never “grow up” do just that. AMAZING.

Each year the elders slow down a little more. It’s bittersweet because they are still blessed with life yet cant do the things they used to. It forces me to see that everyone who lives has to get older—even me- the one who says I will never grow old. I also realized how much the men in our family like to drink. About 95 percent of us were drinking. Yes I said “us” because I was getting it in too. Watching my functionally alcoholic family get together, reminisce over old times, and portray children to the best of our abilities was truly amazing.

As I get older, I enjoy my family more. From the ages of 13-17 it was rare that you would catch me at a family get together. Then, I moved to Atlanta and would only come home on the occasional holiday. I had a secret and it forced me to distance myself from my family. I felt like the awkward black sheep because of my sexuality. I secretly craved their acceptance, but pretended not to care. Now, I realize they couldn’t accept something they didn’t know. They never loved me any less. It was me who didn’t accept myself. After learning to love the part of me that I thought everyone hated—my sexuality—I realize that being gay is not all of me and it makes me no less human no matter what some may say. It’s just a part of me that some see and some don’t. One day I will be able to be as proud and open as I would like—one day. Until then, I’ve taken the chip off my shoulder and realized that my family is just like me. We look alike, act alike, and they all have issues just like me. Everybody has issues, we just deal with different things and we deal with them in different ways.
Have a great day.

Keep on Jukin'

2007-08-03T08:28:00.001-07:00

Life is a game to me—some have more fun than others—some play the game much better than most. I chose to do this video blog not just for laughs but for a bigger purpose.

Destiny’s Child, the multi-platinum, mega group—as you know—is composed of three beautiful women who seem to have it all. However, age, status, nor the money in their bank accounts can keep them from making mistakes. We all slip and fall in the game of life every now and then. This video goes to show that NO ONE IS EXEMPT. The point behind the video is to use it as a metaphor for life. Because it is inevitable that we will stumble and fall sometimes, be prepared to get yo ass back up and keep on jukin’. Don’t stay down—the world is watching. GET YO ASS UP AND KEEP ON JUKIN’.

Have a great day!

Keep on Jukin

2007-08-02T17:39:00.001-07:00

2007-07-30T10:29:00.000-07:00

Lee Hayes is back with a new release. Not only is this guy a great writer, he has been a great person. Lee gave me my first taste of what it was like to present my material in front of a crowd. He has mentored me on my writing journey giving advice and an example of a good path to follow. Great things are in store for this man. Please support him as he supports me and our community.

The Messiah introduces us to Gabriel Kaine, an ambitious investigative reporter who has come upon a brick wall in his career. Before his rise to the top came to a standstill, Gabriel garnered success covering a series of grisly murders, committed by a killer known only as the Messiah, who targeted only gays and lesbians in the Washington, D.C. area. When the Messiah disappeared without a trace, Gabriel’s ascension stalled. When the Messiah has returns, no one is safe from his evil, not even the career driven Gabriel.

Wow, it’s that time again…Click Honors…Cast your votes at http://www.clikhonors.com/

2ND ANNUAL 2007 CLIK HONORS OPENS NOMINATIONS
Awards To Honor Black Gay Achievements

Atlanta - Today CLIK HONORS INC.,andCLIK Magazine (CLIK), the Nation's leading magazine for Black same gender loving people is now taking nominations for the second annual 2007 Clik Honors Awards taking place at The Hyatt Regency International Ballroom in Atlanta Georgia, Saturday November 24th, 2007

The Clik Honors will honor 10 individuals who through their everyday live, talents, causes, and campaigns, have paved the way for the enhancement of the Black same-gender loving community.

2007-07-26T16:30:00.000-07:00

Can a straight man and an openly gay man be friends? Hmmm. And to take it a step further, can this happen if the two are black. (Playing stereotypical Steve for a second) It is no secret that as a culture we like to sweep things under the rug and tend to fall victim to not “airing our dirty laundry”. When it comes to sexuality, our laundry is held in secret. We don’t take it to the cleaners; we don’t even wash it ourselves. We keep it in a pile and wait or it to wash itself. We wait for our dirt to just disappear. But the wash doesn’t clean itself, nor will the dirt go away by itself (thanks Justin). My point is homosexuality in the black community is still taboo. Many experiment in secret yet say “faggot this and queer that” in public.

Now back to my question. For those 100% straight black men, can you or would you befriend an openly gay man? Being as taboo as it is, would a straight black man be open to this kind of kinship? I have had straight friends in the past and always felt awkward at times because when they would talk about pussy, straight venues, etc. I wasn’t intrigued. I wanted to say “I like ding ding and booty—a lot” but I knew it would change our “friendship”. Many times I would bite my tongue as they talked about their negative views on gays, all the while I wanted to say “Well hey I’m gay and I don’t do all that so your stereotypes aren’t true”.

At times I’ve had “straight” guy friends who I could tell wanted to bump on the hush. They had girlfriends but always looked at me a little too long and would make overt gestures or comments on the low—always trying to get me drunk or high—I knew exactly where it was gonna lead. Now those guys I know wouldn’t mind being friends with a gay man because they were bi curious themselves.

But, for a totally straight man with no desire to sleep with the same sex—could he be secure enough in his sexuality to hang out with a gay man who is secure in his? Can we be close without either of us fearing that the other is trying to “turn” us? I’m dying to find a straight guy of this caliber who I can be honest with. Is this possible?

Jonathan's End of the Road

2007-07-24T10:04:00.000-07:00

Lately I haven’t been watching much TV. But, I must admit Mondays at 10p.m. I always find time for the current men in my life—the boys of Making the Band 4. Finally Puff has a group that seems to have everything it takes to make it (looks, drive, personality, talent). These kids can actually sing. And between the testosterone clashes, Westside Story singoffs, homoerotic undertones, good singing, bitch tantrums, and Puffy’s ego, I just can’t stop watching.

Anyway today I’m grieving lol. My show favorite has left the building. Jonathan—moment of silence for Jon Jon. He stormed out last night in Jennifer holiday diva fashion telling the queen b—Laurie Ann where to put it. Hilarious! For a minute I thought Jon was about to start singing “And I Am Telling You”. And I was right there cheering him on. He finally had enough. After being subjected to all the mannish tests that clearly put him out of his element, Jon was ready to go. So, he can’t dribble a basketball. So he can’t fight and got socked in the nose. None of that matters because he is cute and can sing. I can see Puff’s motives for trying to sift the weak from the strong, but what is a group with out at least 1 or 2 prettyboys? And prettyboys don’t need to fight, run, and ball. They just need to sing and look pretty (Shame on you Sean Combs lol). The show just isn’t gonna be the same without him.

Lets have another moment of silence for my man Jonathan as I lift my lighter and sing “End of the Road” in his loving memory…

2007-06-27T15:41:00.000-07:00

Today is National HIV Testing Day. Get tested. Know your status.

I remember the first time I got tested. Back then they had to draw blood and for some reason it seemed like they took enough to be affiliated with the blood bank. The needle made me nervous, seeing my blood made me more nervous, and thinking about the results set me off even more.

The counselor was this man who seemed to have a permanent chip on his shoulder. The way he treated me was so cold. When he stuck the needle in my arm it felt like he was trying to tell me without saying it that he was paying me back for telling him that I had had sex with a man. It hurt so much and the silence in the room hurt more. As he talked about HIV he couldn’t have been more nonchalant. It seemed like he couldn’t wait to get me out of the office and take the next client so he could get home. When I found it would take a week to get my results the clock began on the longest week of my life. I hadn’t had that many partners and always used condoms, but I still had this monkey named fear on my back—I couldn’t shake it. That fear kept me from going back to get my results.

It took another year before I had the courage to get tested again. This time I went to a place where the people seemed to care. I was overjoyed when I found out I was negative. I’ve been going back at least once a year ever since If/when I’ve been sexually active. I can not lie, each time that same monkey climbs on my back while I’m waiting to get my results.

However, I’m amazed at how much has changed since I began getting tested. The days of needles and giving blood are over, Now, they have a simple 20-minute Orasure test. It’s quick, and painless for all those people out there who hate needles as much as me. Simply swipe the tester around your mouth and in less than a half hour you have your results. Thank god I only have to deal with the monkey for 20 minutes. Today I got free movie passes for getting tested but more than that; I got to do my part.

Lets help put an end to this epidemic.

2007-06-24T09:00:00.001-07:00

We all have our opinion of BET—Good bad or indifferent. Yet, too often we put things on blast for being negative without ever taking time to praise positivity. I just want to take a minute to applaud BET for this morning’s episode of “Meet the Faith”. It was great to see a program with more than just videos and comedy—something with substance.

Today “Meet the Faith” was on homosexuality in the black community. It briefly covered everything from homophobia in the church, HIV, and yes-they revisited the whole “DL” thing. Ian Smith, Sheryl Lee Ralph, John Amechi, and a preacher whose name I didn’t catch (He was insignificant and pissed me off) gave their views of homosexuality.

Though this show tried to capture a few decades of conversation in just a half hour, I’m glad they got a dialogue going for once that wasn’t just centered around the DL. It’s time that we stop allowing the use of a words that demean us define us.

LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN

It’s time that we stop allowing the use of a words that demean us define us.

In my book words like bitch, sissy, fag, and DL have become just as negative as the word nigger. These words do not define me, nor should you let them define you.

Ex NBA baller John Amechi made and excellent point on the show. He said “Those who have reached a certain level of education and experience have and obligation to either speak up using that intelligence or shut up”—AMEN.

How long will we continue to let the ignorant speak for us? How long will we allow hate filled preachers, gay bashing rappers, and stereotypical actors be the mouthpiece of our generation?

No this show is not the solution for all the gay communities ails but at least it was a new perspective. I was glad to see gay advocates like Keith Boykin and Sheryl Lee Ralph speak up for me. Sheryl spoke with enough fervency even a clansman would have listened. WELL DONE!

There is so much more that needs to be said and many more problems that need to be addressed so that we can work on possible solutions. Going back to what Amechi said, its time we use our intelligence to contribute to who we say we are. Even in the blog community I see so much wisdom, power, and positivity. Its time we harness that power to effect our community and take to a place it’s never been. Lets demand more forums like this, more awareness, which will bring tolerance and eventually acceptance.
We have the power now how will we use it?

A letter to Jade

2007-06-24T08:15:00.000-07:00

I try my best not to take myself too serious. I know my strengths and I know my flaws just as well. I am imperfect. I try to keep things light on the surface because I have found that works best for me. I internalize things deeply but on the surface I just smile and keep it moving. However, at times I find myself surrounded by the opposite.
GET OFF YOURSELF!
I’m sure we all know at least one person whos head is so far up their own ass they cant smell anything but themselves. To hear them tell it, their aroma is a rose garden-- they wont admit to needing a gasmask.

GET OFF YOURSELF! I know you are your own best friend, but is it really good to be best friends with the devil?

I hate pretension but I have to deal with it constantly. Many people don’t realize that they are stuck on themselves, nor do they realize their insecurities are speaking for them. I just wish I could shake the egocentrisms out of some people in my life, beat them with their own jaded view, and wail on their misperception.

It’s not all about what you have (and it many cases what you don’t have, but think you do)
Its not about your money—big money=big bills.
It’s not about your job because most times you hate it.
It’s not about the way you dress, where you live, or who you know.

What are you doing to contribute to the world other than making yourself (seem) better? Do you really want to be remembered for your narcissism?
GET OFF YOURSELF

Mr. Big

2007-06-07T21:13:00.000-07:00

Most of us have a “Mr. Big”—let me explain. Mr. Big is that person (or people) that we dated once upon a time and things just didn’t work out the way we dreamed they would. On Sex and the City, Carrie had Big- the guy who no matter wherever, whenever, however, and whoever—she was always ready, willing, and able for. Mr. Big is that guy you will make an ass out of yourself for consistently, go the extra mile for, and the one you always wonder if the “next time” will be the “right time”

One of my Mr. Bigs called last night. I swear he is just one of those people that we can cuss each other out and burst into hysterical laughter all in one sentence. He is that kind of guy that I can go months without talking to then pick up right where we left off like we just said goodbye. My stubbornness doesn’t faze him and vice versa. He is the guy I never want to be alone with for too long; the morning afters remind me why. I know we will never be together because heaven and earth will never align in ways that make us see eye to eye—but he is still my Mr. Big. He is the guy who no matter wherever, whenever, however, and whoever—I will always be ready, willing, and able for.

We tried a relationship but that clearly wasn’t our destiny. Now, his friendship means the world to me. I really do love my Mr. Big.

Who is your Mr. Big?

2007-06-02T16:39:00.000-07:00

“Slow down baby you’re going to fast, you have your hands in the air with your feet on the gas, about to wreck your future-running from your past...”—India Arie.

One of my favorite songs from India Arie is Slow Down. This song advises of the disadvantages of rushing through life without savoring your journey. The first time I heard it, I felt she knew me before our first “hello”. She was singing the song for only me. She was speaking to my life. I was racing just to find out what it’s like on the other side of the finish line without noticing the beauty of my surroundings along the way. I was living an accelerated life. However, the trouble with a faced pace life is that eventually it will wear you out!

In three months I will be 26. Each year that passes I get a little wiser. When I was young I thought I was smart and knew everything. Now I am wise because I realize there is very little I know. Not only am I turning 26 but my 10-year high school reunion is this year too. This really has me tripping. Time has slowed me down and made me realize I can’t keep living at 100mph, sometimes you have to cruise at 55mph or life will give you a ticket.

I rushed my way out of high school anxious to get older and discover the real world. I wanted to be legal to buy my first drink, get into my first club with a REAL ID and officially say “I’m grown”. I rushed into relationships with so much to prove— proving that hindsight is 20/20. I rushed and sped my way through buying and selling my first home, getting jobs, going to school, and everything else in my life.

Part of the reason for my accelerated pace is because I had so much to prove. On top of my determination, I had people who told me I would never be anything because I was gay. I had others who didn’t believe in me just because. I compensated the naysayers and became an overachiever. I wanted to make an impact on the world, prove the haters wrong, and give people something to talk about at my reunion and for years to come.

In all my proving, the proof is that I wasn’t living for myself. I was so hell bent on making jaws drop that I forgot about what I wanted—what I needed. These last few years have forced me to slow down and think. Life grabbed me in a chokehold but I’m so glad it did. Now I feel free. I can coast—there is no need to rush anymore— There is no need to even waste time focusing on haters—they are where they are for a reason.
I know I am on my way to greatness, but I also know now that rushing to it actually delays my arrival.

So as I trade 20’s for wisdom, I am slowing down and enjoying the journey.

Old Friend--Sometimes you just have to say it

2007-05-31T20:32:00.001-07:00

You make me want to be straight. Yes, you the dick warmer with misguided priorities. Can’t you see that your worth is more than being some man’s morning after? Don’t you know that no matter how many condom wrappers you open, clubs you hop, x-pills you pop, tops you bottom, or bottoms you top--- You still aren’t happy.

I want you to be better so that you don’t have to live your life personifying the word fag. Stop giving the rest of the world ammunition for hating people like me only because they know more gays like you. You have so much potential if you would only stop playing the victim only because it’s easier than admitting that you are fucking up.

You treat your life like you treat yourself—like you treat your friends—like you treat your men. It’s time out for self-hatred. You’ve already lost me; now its time for you to change before you lose everything-before you lose you!
WAKE UP

The Other Man

2007-05-23T07:06:00.001-07:00

I will always remember the first time I became “The other man”. My best friend at the time threw a party with hump punch (it was punch mixed with cheap vodka that left you on your ass with just one cup). The next morning I woke up in my friend’s second bedroom but I wasn’t alone. Someone sleeping was next to me in my arms. I wasn’t drunk enough that I didn’t remember what happened the night before; however, I was drunk enough that I tried in vain to forget.

I drove all the way home listening to “As We Lay” on repeat. The night before had been beautiful. But the morning after was ugly. I was the other man. There were times that I was unknowingly the other man yet to naive to know it. This was the first time I was knowingly the other man. The guy I woke with had a boyfriend and I knew it; The vodka told me not to care. As the hump punch drained from my system after doing its sinister deed I felt terrible. In the months and years to come karma would screw me just I has screwed someone else’s man.

Fast-forward about 5 years later. My 25-year-old self knows better than to mess with someone else’s property. Karma takes no prisoners. But daggit why have my last few potential suitors tried to tempt me? Don’t they know it’s all or nothing? There isn’t enough hump punch in the world to make me f#ck with karma again. I will not be the other man again.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THE OTHER MAN OR “STOLEN” SOMEONES MAN? (Be honest)

Let me update you

2007-05-14T08:14:00.000-07:00

Just an update

The situation with the devil lady at school still hasn’t been resolved. She gave me an incomplete for the class. But who has already started the next class even with an “I” and daring anybody to put me out? ME ME ME.

Allergies have been kicking my ass lately. What’s up with that? A few years ago I never had allergies. Now it’s a wrap! I heard about this thing called a netipot. You pour water up your nose and it comes out the other side. Its weird but it helps a little. I just haven’t gotten mentally comfortable with water up my nose. And pills don’t work for me...What’s a man to do?

I was trying to hatch duck eggs. Yes duck eggs. (As my summer pets). I had two and neither hatched. While you laugh and call me weird, I’m working my way up to a dog. I need a pet that is low maintenance and my fish is boring. Lol Any suggestions (I’m allergic to cats)

Life is good. This part of the year is one of my favorites. It’s not to hot and not too cold. It makes me want to run outside naked. Damn those cops and their indecent exposure enforcement.

Ummmm lets see what else. I have been teaching and it is...an experience. I forgot how nasty little kids can be. They like to eat their boogies (remember that as a child lol). I had this one boy digging in his butt and sniffing it. It was hilarious. It’s never a dull moment with those little nasties.

I have been avoiding one of my favorite stores (Walmart) because this girl I dated briefly in high school works there as a security guard. I’ve had to cut my visits down from about 5 times a week to 1. Each time I go she is there in her little security car and I have to make awkward conversation. I want to tell her I’m gay so she will leave me alone but I wont.

Book 2 is still coming. As God as my witness its coming.

That’s all for now. You’ve just been updated.

anger management

2007-04-25T19:28:00.000-07:00

I really hate playing the role of “angry black man” because it’s so trite and far from who I really am. Usually I’m calm, cool, and collected. But, there is one thing in particular that makes my blood boil. Long story short, this week that one thing happened…again (for the first time in a while) I had an argument with one of my professors that makes me pull out the evil mask and want to go off like my name is Crystal and I’m on “College Hill”. (WHERES MY DAMN SHOE?)

Anytime I get in trouble and I know I’m right, it takes me to this place inside where I will make heads role to prove myself. My professor is a senile, racist, a nazi, and flat out wrong. She gave me the opportunity to redo an assignment (50% of my overall grade) then waited until I redid it to tell me she changed her mind. What kind of s#!t is that? I think the little nazi wants me to go off and choke her? I’m the only black guy in class and one of just a handful in the program. She grades me harder than anyone else and I have voicemails, emails, and a fax to prove my story so I’m not worried. What I am worried about it going off in the process of this thing working itself out.

I can’t just go around hitting people when they make me mad like I would as a minor. I know I have to let the words do the hitting for me. So far I’ve been doing a great job with that. So far my words have given my professor two black eyes. I know you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar, but who wants flies?

I need anger management. Somebody pray for me cuz I will not and cannot fail this class…lol.

How do you handle someone who is going out of their way to make your life harder, yet you still need them.

The chicken made me gay

2007-04-18T15:09:00.000-07:00

On the way home today I heard this man on the Micheal Basden show talking about how the hormones in food doing some pretty alarming things to this nations population. He stated that because of the estrogen used to make many animals grow faster and bigger, we as consumers are falling victim and showing many adverse reactions.

Men- It’s scary to think that the estrogen digested after years of those wonderful fried chicken meals, dairy, pork, beef, are causing “conal breasts” (man boobs), hips, ass, ED (erectile dysfunction), and impotence. Could it be true?

The doctor even went on to say that this increase of estrogen can even cause men to have homosexual tendencies.

The extra estrogen also has an adverse reaction in females. Things like facial hair, a more masculine body structure (broad back, broad shoulders), man hands etc.

This information was shocking. I don’t know if its 100% accurate, but then again I’m not about to rule it out. “Eating healthy” shouldn’t be so damn hard. Why should you have to worry about so many chemicals/hormones when you go to the grocery store to buy dinner or at your local restaurant/fast food chain?
Maybe this is good news for anyone interested in a sex change. Fuck going to Mexico to buy hormones before the surgery- Just go to your local food market and get you a cart full of pork chops! As for the rest of the country- shouldn’t we start demanding better FDA standards on our foods? It’s about that time.

Can you imagine instead of people saying "Oh, he has too much sugar in his tank!" in a few years they may say "Oh, he has too much chicken in his system!"

It is what it is

2007-03-26T07:05:00.000-07:00

I was only 20 and though mature for my age-- had a lot to learn. Andre was 26. In that six-year gap, he seemed to have the world figured out. When we met, I was just a small town boy new to the big city of Atlanta, “book smart” and “street dumb”. He was just the opposite, using his hustle to get the best out of life.

One thing that got under my skin about Andre was that he was just so damned even tempered. He never raised his voice, never showed too much emotion, and one of his favorite sayings was “It is what it is”. That saying pissed me off because I just didn’t get it. It seemed so evident that it was stupid and not worth saying. Of course things are what they are. What else could they be?

Now, at almost 26- I get it. That’s just it, THINGS ARE WHAT THEY ARE! WHAT ELSE CAN THEY BE? The simplicity makes perfect sense. That saying brings calm to many of my situations. When things may be in a tailspin or just not going the way I feel they should, I simply remind myself “It is what it is”.

Trouble at work-It is what it is
Family issues- It is what it is
Can’t find an editor(lol)- It is what it is
Relationship chaos- It is…what it is

Again, things just are what they are, no more no less. Sometimes human nature has us making mountains out of the tiny molehills in our lives. Its so much easier and brings a certain peace if you just remind yourself next time you are facing an uncomfortable situation that “it is what it is”. Put it in perspective, and don’t stretch 2 days of drizzle into a “Hurricane Katrina” in your life. Don’t dwell in the negative and just remember, “It is what it is”.

2007-03-20T12:20:00.000-07:00

They say ask and ye shall receive. Well I’ve hinted around before, but here it goes straightforward this time. I’ve been looking for a qualified editor for my second novel for 6 months now. With this large network I’m shocked that I still haven’t found anyone. One day I will be like E. Lynn and not have to worry about the small things but until then I have to hustle---so…CALLING ALL EDITORS, CALLING ALL EDITORS. If you are skilled at what you do or know someone who is, please contact me ASAP. I am ready to get this second project out and I need your help.

TEACH ME

2007-03-18T16:58:00.000-07:00

I am in love with the new Musiq. Album after album, he never dissapoints. Since he hit the world with Jusfriends years ago I’ve been a huge fan. He’s showed the world that you don’t have to sing high to get by and for a baritone like me that means a lot. Lol. His new song teach me has me going right now. Go get that album! I don’t have a sample of it but if you go to my myspace its playing on my page just in case you havent heard it yet.

Music Soulchild “Teach Me”
I was told the true definition of a man was to never cry Worked til you died Got to provide Always gotta be the rock for my fam Protect them by on me And give you things that you need baby Our relationship is suffering Tryna give you what I never had You say I don't know how to love you babe Well I say show me the way I keep myself I shadow them with my Prada I'm trying desperatley Baby just work with me Teach me how to love Show me the way to surrender my heart Girl I'm so lost Teach me how to love How I can get my emotions involved Teach me, show me how to love Show me the way to surrender my heart Girl I'm so lost Teach me how to love How I can get my emotions involved Teach me how to love http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=99650046

shhhhhh its a "Secret"

2007-03-15T05:46:00.000-07:00

I only watch Oprah every now and then (really I do…lol). Well, a few weeks ago I caught an episode where she had a panel on “The Secret”. I became so engaged in the program and before it had ended, I was online at http://www.thesecret.tv/ ordering my copy of the DVD.

For those that don’t know, “The Secret” is a way of living based on the law of attraction. Put simply, think good-be good-do good or on the flip side, think bad-be bad- do bad. Live in negativity and no good can possibly come to you. Live positively and prosperity will be yours. Seems simple right? But just look at all the people in your life who don’t know how to live and think positively…Not so simple huh?

That friend who is always bitchin, whining, complaining.
Or the one who cant find the good in anyone/anything.
That person you cant be happy around because they are always waiting with a fresh bowl of sour grapes.
That coworker who goes through life “screwfaced” and evil hearted

Don’t know anyone like that? Well the culprit just might be you.

Since getting my copy of “The Secret” I’ve gone back to the basics. I’m trying to live each day like we all should- complaining less, enjoying more. I’ve also had to distance myself from those people who love to rain on my parade with their negativity and self-pity. Surprisingly, it’s amazing how much lighter I feel. (Post to come)

I’ve been telling everyone about this DVD. Had a movie night with the fam and brought a few copies for my friends. I think its part of the key to a better life.
Has anyone else seen “The Secret”?

WOW

2007-03-02T21:35:00.000-08:00

I’ve been gone longer than usual. Sorry I haven’t updated, but I was enjoying a mini vacation. Now I’m back and fully rejuvenated. I will be back with a post soon. Until then I wanted to share with you the moment that still has me cheesin’. I met the living legend herself, Ms. Patti Labelle. My nerves were shot, I broke out into a sweat, and I couldn’t stop smiling. She is sweet as pie and I will never forget that day.

And the church said "Amen!"

2007-02-20T14:25:00.000-08:00

I noticed that as I have come to accept the sexual aspect of my life, I continue to drift away from the religious part of me. Church used to be at the forefront of all that I am Bible study, prayer meetings, fasting, solos, singing on the choir, etc). I LOVED CHURCH. But, for the past few years, I’ve had no problem with the loss of religion in my life because I know religion is nowhere near as important as spirituality. I remain spiritual though I’ve only been to church about twice in the last year.

I’ve gone from a preacher’s grandchild, raised in the church and a very religious family, to the backslider who only goes to church on new years. Why? Because if I have to hear one more sermon about homosexuality, I fear I may pluck out all my toe hair and sell it on Ebay! Those sermons drive me crazy. A bunch of bigots preaching hate and displaying ignorance from a platform meant to exude love and tolerance. I made up in my mind that I would not be apart of any entity that preached these sermons, which result in tears, worry, self hatred, and suicide.

But at the same time, I’ve been having this urge to get back into the church- maybe sing on a choir or at least hear some good singing and good preaching every now and then. Which leads me to my question. I’ve been seeing more and more “gay friendly” churches popping up. I never thought I would be bold enough to go to one and haven’t worked out all my reservations on them yet. I’m all for tolerance but still in my mind there must be decency in order in everything God puts his hand on. Have any of you been to a “gay friendly church”? Would you consider going? Why or why not?
I want to go to church but more importantly, I want to go to church and feel better at the end of service-not frustrated.

Forgivness

2007-02-11T09:11:00.000-08:00

I just realized that there isn’t one “key to life”. Life has a set of keys like a janitor. Many many keys, many many lessons- with each new test, each new trial comes a brand new shiny key to add to the chain. Forgiveness is one of those keys; it’s the big one, almost like a skeleton key that can unlock any door. I wish I could say I had that key in my possession but just haven’t found it yet.

For some forgiveness comes as simply as breathing. I watch children play and when they get mad they very seldom hold grudges. They’re mad one minute then best friends the next. As I get older it seems harder each year for me to forgive. I hate to admit it but I still hold on to past hurts that I tuck away in the back of my mind. People who have hurt me, lies I’ve been told, and almost every disappointment are all in my mental Rolodex. I try to let go but haven’t found the key to forgiveness so all those pains stay locked in my mind. I’ve been known to hold a vicious grudge. I can cut people off with the blink of an eye but sometimes second chances are deserved. I want to have the childlike forgiveness I lost years ago.
How do you forgive someone who’s made your heart bleed with aching? How do you second, third, and fourth chances- should you? How do you let go when you know you will be a better person for it but you just cant seem to find the key to forgiveness?

I better be sexylicious LOL

2007-02-04T07:43:00.000-08:00

It has been said that imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. But somebody is imitating and I am far from flattered. I got an email letting me know that someone is on Black Gay Chat using my picture under his profile. The Dumb ass took it right off of my website and used the one with the music notes. (HOW DAMN DUMB CAN YOU BE?)

Should I be a little flattered because the imposter shaved 5 years off my age?
Should I be flattered by all the tags calling the imposter sexy?
Should I be flattered because he claims that I am a blatino bi-curious bottom?

Well sexylicious87 I’m not impressed. It makes me want to take all my pics off the net. Why cant this little kid use his pictures? Maybe from now on I’ll just have pictures of books, that way if somebody steals them, it will be a plug and possible sale..lol. They say all publicity is good but DAMN. Next thing I know I'll he will be on A4A or Men4now with a pic of my weenie.

p.s. Thanks again Chris for the heads up.

UPDATE AS OF FEB 5TH SEXYLICIOUS IS OUTTA THERE!!!!!!

I did it

2007-01-30T08:21:00.000-08:00

If you dare to dream big, if you’re bold enough to want more, and determined to get more- GREAT THINGS WILL HAPPEN.

Dream big and do big. I am proof that determination will trump destiny, if you are willing to fight.
I DID IT! (Finally)

Blogoversary

2007-01-24T17:31:00.000-08:00

It’s hard to believe its been a year already. I started blogging this time last year and since then, so many things have changed. As I look back at some of these old posts, all I can do is laugh. Sometimes I wonder what the hell was I thinking and what would make me say put down certain things for everyone to see. However, I’m glad I did. I can see growth, joy, hurt, and so many things that have happened in my life over 365 days. That’s what I love so much about blogging, its like a public diary where not only can you write but obtain great feedback in the process.

When I was first introduced to blogging by Fred Smith, I had no idea what I would talk about. This was a new world to me and even though I love to write, at first staring at a blank screen knowing that it could be read by anybody was a little overwhelming. In looking at other blogs I tried to mold mine to fit the styles of other bloggers. Some were political, but that’s not me. Some were dramatic, but that’s not me either. I ended up finding my own voice and chose to talk about what I knew best-ME. I write about the things I go through and the thoughts that swell in my mind. Surprisingly there are so many others who share similar experiences. I’ve met some great people and had some great conversations I wouldn’t trade for anything.

I just want to say thank you to the people who drop by on a regular basis to read and post. You guys give great advice and make me laugh with some of the crazy things you say. Thank you to the people who support my writing- you mean the world to me. Thank you all for riding with me on my journey towards balance. The best is yet to come.

I digress- Just felt this

THE TROUBLE WITH LOVE
Every time I fall into you
You take a piece away
Fractions of me scattered
Like dust in the wind
Looking for a place to stay
Many men, many hearts but just one me
And the last time
I vowed would be the last time
I let you take it all.
Until there was nothing left.
Not even a piece of peace to hold
Not even a recollection of my soul
You left me wondering, “who am I?”
“And what have I done”
Until I remembered
That’s just the trouble with love.

2007-01-19T17:30:00.000-08:00

I give my cell number out like water but now I’m not so sure I need to do that anymore. My intent is not for dating or hookups, when I give it out its for networking and networking alone. My business cards, flyers, all have my number on them and I’m always handing them out.

Lately, something is happening that is making want to change the number I’ve had for years. But that would mean I would need to update all my contacts, get new cards and a bunch of other stuff I really just don’t want to do.

There is someone playing on my Mo!@$F*(%king phone and its getting on my last nerve. At first it was mildly amusing, now enough is enough. I get calls at 2,3,4 in the morning and all through the day from a blocked number. Anywhere from 5-20 calls. No one ever says anything and when it goes to voice mail, they call over and over again.

On top of all that, whoever this is has been calling random people I know and asking questions like how they know me and do I date any of them. And for the past couple days I’ve had someone from AOL texting my phone claiming to be the boyfriend of one of my friends-accusing me of being “the other man” It’s getting crazy.

I contacted my phone company and they said my only option is to call the cops and change my number. I’m pretty sure calling the police wont bring a resolution. When my apartment was broken into the cops did nothing but take a report. When my car was broken into, the cops did nothing but take a report. When I had trouble with a former roommate, the cops did nothing but take a report. WHAT ARE ALL THESE DAMN REPORTS AND WHAT GOOD ARE THEY?

Anyway Should I change my number or just put up with the calls and continue to let them go to my voicemail?

Random

2007-01-16T07:55:00.000-08:00

Congrats J. Hudson. You truly deserve all the good fortune coming your way. Watching your progression over the past few years has been like watching a rose bloom. I love that song “Love you I do” the words and old school melody get me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UmfGipK_gFo

Stomp The Yard was surprisingly good to me. Columbus, Laz Alonso, wow. Watching the film was like going back in time to 98 when I started at Lincoln University. Although it was only one semester the movie brought back a lot of memories of black college life.

Celibacy is hard, im moodier, less focused and if I wake up one more morning with my weenie head stuck to my underwear. Sheeeeeeesh!

I am really feeling Omarion’s music.

Grad school is a lot easier than undergrad. Why is that?

I want 2 long hugs and a medium pan from Pizza Hut.

The latest coon show “I Love NY”- can’t believe I actually try to watch it. What wont we do for TV? It’s obvious that many of those guys are models, actors, and suspect. And if that guy “Wood” goes on one more reality show…geez!

Sorry for the scatterbrained post ill be back soon…

Celibacy

2007-01-08T14:31:00.000-08:00

So I’m celibate again…WOW(post inspired by Valentino of ATL I’m taking the torch)

In the past I’ve taken vows of celibacy in order to prove some type of point. Once I went 3 years without sex and by the time my celibacy kick was over, I had forgotten my reasons for abstaining in the first place. Well this time, it wasn’t intentional. Actually, I just thought about it the other day and realized it had been over three months. My only reason is-the thought of a random stranger touching me puts me off. I was in a LTR and got used to 1 person.
I know, 3 months really isn’t that long, but I’m not in a rush to go out and do anything either. Will it be another 3 years? I SERIOUSLY DOUBT IT. As for now, I’m enjoying the single life and the fact that I can focus on me with a clear conscience. It sounds corny but I’m dating myself and giving myself all the time and energy I would usually devote to love- it’s a good look.
I’ve never been the type to need a relationship to feel complete. I’m thankful for this because in my years I’ve seen many folk who just aren’t happy unless they have a partner to define their existence. Yet, at the same time I don’t wanna be the lil old man with just a dog and a big empty house with no one to share it with. I always and still do want to get married, start a family blah blah blah. But now that I’m older and wiser I know there is no rush. I will keep you posted on the celibacy. Lately I’ve been waking up humping my mattress and laughing myself back to sleep. What’s the longest you have ever gone and why?

HAPPY 07

2007-01-01T08:30:00.000-08:00

Last night, I went to church for the first time in a while (I think the last time was last new years eve). I always get a kick out of the New Year slogans.

“94 wont take no more!”
“come alive in 95!”
“Just begun in 01!”
…This year is was 2007 on my way to heaven! Those little sayings always give me a good laugh. Anyway, in between falling asleep during the sermon, I found a message of hope. While the preacher’s words faded into the distance as my eyelids grew heavy, I saw something that changed my entire perspective.

In front of me were 3 handicapped men, mid 40’s-50’s and they were having the time of their life. In this black church, they were 3 out of 5 whites, yet they couldn’t seem to care less. They cheered, they laughed and every time the preacher did the whole” Tell your neighbor…” one of them would turn around and address me. He made me smile so hard because I realized in his smile what the New Year and every day of every year should be about.

Life should be a celebration. If this man who is viewed by most as “handicapped” and less than “normal”, why did he GET IT while us “normal” remain clueless. To him, it wasn’t about trivial things, material possessions, and grand favors from the most high. He was there to celebrate and grateful to be alive and breathing..

I can’t tell you what that did to me right before my catnap shortly thereafter.
Amen…lol
Happy New Year!

2006-12-24T15:40:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas

2006-12-24T15:28:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Do whatever you need to make this Christmas your best ever.

Grad School or Cop Out?

2006-12-23T19:37:00.000-08:00

Damn, I have a lot of questions huh? I know right? But the truth is, I’m just a 25 year old trying to figure things out… I love the whole blogging thing because it allows me to vent, show and see others trying to figure it out too.

Its funny how questions sometimes answer themselves. There I was just a few days ago wondering what to do and where to go. I said to myself- “SELF-ok you’ve finished school… Now what? The job market sucks, and you cant get into grad school until you pass the test.” (About month ago I took the praxis- a test for teachers in order to help with certification). Well the other day after posting, I found out I passed the test. I must have hollered for a good 15 minutes in disbelief. Now it looks like I wont be packing my bags just yet.

However, I question myself. Is my seeking higher education a cop out or security?

A few years ago, I quit my job and decided to pursue a dream. I had just finished “I Wrote This Song” and was ready to take on the world. I had no idea the hard work, sleepless nights, worry, and sacrifice that came with following a dream. I also never new what joy it could bring.

If I had to do it all again would I? HELL YEAH. Following that dream helped me realize life could be more fulfilling than I’d ever imagined. Some of my happiest moments were when I was up in front of a crowd doing a reading or signing books in states I’d never been. Yet that happiness came with a price and after getting small sip of bliss I knew I would need more money in order to keep the dream alive.

The only thing I could think of was going back to school. Either that or porn and I’ve already caused my family enough headaches with my sexuality. If they ever saw me in a flick like “Off the hook” ----NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO well let me not even think about that.

But I wonder, after knowing your passion, isn’t doing anything else just a cop out?
My goal for achieving higher education is to make myself more marketable until my dream can take me to the levels I aim for. Yet, at the same time its delaying my pursuit of happiness because I am unable to dedicate as much time as I would like to writing after the pressures of adulthood (bills, school, work, and a fleeting social life). I look at E. Lynn Harris and see how long it took for him to get to where he is now. All I ask is for patience, direction, and the strength to endure until I’m on top.

This just in...

2006-12-20T09:37:00.000-08:00

People people…
Round of applause…

I know it’s been a while but I’m here with an update. Your boy has been missing in action for a few weeks.
Put those blades, and daggers back under your tongues.
Take the vaseline off your face.
Put your earrings back on!
For heavens sake, I don’t wanna fight…lol. I have a good reason for my absence. I SWEAR!

I am so damn happy and proud of myself. Thanks to the inspiration of fellow bloggers, some good advice from friends, a whole lot of encouragement, a lot of hard work, and tuition money- I’m proud to say that I have FINALLY finished my undergraduate studies. Yes, as of last night I am done my last class and everything is in order for me to graduate on January 28th.

This has been a long time coming. I’ve been in and out of school for the last 5 years and through my time away I was getting lessons in the school of life.

Now, I keep wondering what’s next. Since I don’t have to worry about tests and papers, I will be able to do more writing. But I’m also thinking about some big life changes. I’m toying with the idea of moving, and I also want to go to grad school.

One of my biggest fears right now is moving somewhere I don’t know anyone, going from “nothing” to “something” ride or die style, and seeing just what I’m made of. Yes, I lived in Atlanta for a long time, but when I moved to the “A” I had my sister, so the transition was easier. My question is how to I move where I’m alone and have the balls to go through the fire?

How do I find the courage to face my fear?
I was once afraid of heights but I went skydiving to face it.
I was once afraid to give my heart completely to someone-Done that!
I was afraid to go back to school- Done that!
However this fear is a little more complex. ADVISE PLEASE.

2006-11-29T18:37:00.000-08:00

Something weird happened.

My family and I all got together and had a dinner where there was laughter in the atmosphere, love in the balance, and an overflow of joy. I feel like that was like shooting star – rare, beautiful, and memorable. Honestly, I cant remember the last time in my adulthood that my family was able to get together and have a good time. Usually it’s a bit on the stuffy side, no jokes, forced laugher, and thoughts in the back of your mind of “when is this torture going to end”. It didn’t used to be that way. When my great grandfather was alive we would always get together and our family was like a fat woman’s legs in little girl panty hose-TIGHT. After he died, everyone seemed to grow up and grow apart. We went our own ways and when we got together it was more out of necessity then genuine wanting (funerals, weddings, etc).

On top of everything else I always had the whole gay thing to deal with. I felt like the black sheep because I knew I was gay and use to always wonder who else did. When I came to family functions and was asked “so where’s your girlfriend?” or about kids and marriage its was SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I never wanted to say too much because I felt it would be like outing myself, yet feared if I said too little I would seem like a stuck up- stand offish brat- (Oh the woes of the family gay. Every family has at least one. LOL)
Anyway- I said all that to say. The dinner went great, no discomfort or nausea waiting for it to end. I left out with a renewed faith in my family. Maybe we will pick up the pieces and become tight again like we used to be, maybe not. All I know is that I’m extremely grateful for the good time we shared. It may seem little to those of you with functional families (ha picture that oxymoron) but to me it was monumental.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

2006-11-23T06:44:00.000-08:00

GOBBLE GOBBLE!!

On thanksgiving and in the midst of all the turkey, macaroni & cheese, greens etc we are supposed to set aside some time for actually giving thanks. This year, I feel especially grateful for all the things I have in my life to celebrate. Sometimes, we have the tendency to get caught up on all the little things going wrong or not the way we planned and we lose focus of the good things. Today, I’m reminded not to lose sight of the good things because if taken for granted they can easily be taken away. So today try not to just feed your belly, feed your soul and celebrate all the good things in life you have to be thankful for.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

My "Man"

2006-11-21T08:06:00.000-08:00

Its crazy the places you find love. Just when you least expect it, here comes love to interrupt the flow of life and change everything you thought to be true.

This time last year I brought my first dog. I’d had pets most of my life but never a dog of my own. I remember making the trip to pick him out and wrapping him up in a towel to carry him home. He was so tiny, so innocent. It only took a few hours for me to fall in love.

Having something in my life that was totally helpless without me made me go into parental mode. I named him “man” because he was my little man. He slept with me at night, was always happy to see me, and always looked at me like I was his savior. No matter how many times he made messes all over the apartment I couldn’t get mad at him because the very sight of him prancing toward me would make my day bright. “Man” was my crash course in unconditional love.

However, the love was short lived. My “Man” took ill the very next week. He had something called “parvo” which is semi common in puppies; it attacks their intestines making them unable to digest food.

My heart started to break once I realized “Man” was getting worse by the day. I took him to vets and ultimately spent about 1000 dollars to try and save him. The whole time I was falling apart while seeing my baby slowly dying in front of my eyes. I had him wrapped in a towel; just like the night I brought him- only this time he was slowly dying while vomiting uncontrollably in my arms. I didn’t mind, I just wiped him up, more focused on saving him then the mess he made. (NOW FOR ME, THAT’S LOVE)

“MAN” died on Thanksgiving Day. I’ll never forget the call I got from the vet. “Man’s not going to make it, I’m sorry. Sometimes these things happen. Now did you want to come pick him up or have us put him down and cremate him?” What a happy Thanksgiving huh? Those heartless mutherfukkers didn’t even give me 5 minutes to make up my mind AND asked about the rest of the payment. (P.S. It was Petsmart- so beware)

The short time I had him taught me a great lesson. When you really love something, not much else matters, you’re willing to go that extra mile. It taught me that those times I’d claimed to “love” before was nothing but an imitation. Was I willing to go that extra mile spending all my time and money on a lover? Would I let them vomit on me and not care about anything but their well being. And most importantly would anybody do the same for me?

Funny, that a dog could change my perception of love- but he did.

2006-11-02T11:25:00.000-08:00

DRAMA

It is my belief that adversity is attracted to good will. “Drama” is “Destiny’s” evil twin sister and she only wants to come out and play when you’re on your way to fulfilling your destiny. She never wants to be upstaged by her sister, she is jealous and doesn’t know how to share. Wanna see what I’m talking about? Try to start making changes toward living your best, positive life and watch that evil hoe come out the woodworks like “Aha I got yo ass!” lol- that’s when the drama begins.

There was once a time in my life I would look at negative situations and think “Why me?” “Why now?” “Why why why”. I would throw these pity parties for myself where I was the only guest in attendance sulking for weeks while the rest of the world went about its merry way. Now, I embrace the drama that comes because I know it’s a sign that I’m doing something right and good things are about to come.

Though it can be a huge inconvenience at times, drama comes to make us strong and show what we are really made of. It’s easy to say you are something, (tough, smart, nice, etc.) but those true colors show when drama tries you and shows you everything you though you were was only a figment of your imagination.

Well I am what I say I am and Drama cant change it- drama only intensifies that which is within me.

Today, I embrace the drama that tried to come out and play “ring around the rosy” with me. You tried your best to stop me but I’m still here, sculpting myself into a better person no matter who you send to knock me off track.

Clik Honors

2006-10-29T11:46:00.000-08:00

Clik Magazine is throwing their "Elite 25" November 25th in Atlanta. This is to honor the top 25 people making moves in our world. Congrats to the finalists. This list is like a whos who of the LGBT community. Some of these people I have met/ worked with/ know, and other I hope to meet in the very near future. I'm shocked and honored to be on this list. And how how bout I'm right there next to the Ohh so sexy Wade from Noahs Arc. WADE how bout a photo opp with ya boy Dayne??? cheeeeeeeeeeese.

AND THE FINALISTS ARE:
Allen, Gregory-Xtreme Entertainment in AtlantaAntoine, Anthony-Musician in AtlantaAtwood, Jenson-Wade On Noah's Arc Avery, Dayne-AuthorAviance, Kevin-Entertainer / MusicianBaker, Cornelious-National Advocacy ActivistBass, Ronnie-Someone Cares in AtlantaBell, Alan-Pioneer of Black Gay MediaBellinger, George-Long-time HIV/AIDS AdvocateBlue, Maxine-Promoter and Drag Personality Boles, Jerry-Photographer in AtlantaBoone, Phillip-Legendary PromoterBoykin, Keith-Nation's Leading Black Gay AdvocateBriggs, Derrick-Book Club, BloggerBrown, Darryl-Ballroom Rockstar/ EditorBrown, Karamo-MTV's Real Work Reality Personality Buckner, Terryl-Longtime Club Promoter/Owner in MemphisBusch, Wolfgang-How Do I Look ProducerCabbler, Ariq-Promoter in ChicagoCampbell, John-Promoter / Blaque Heat Cane, Clay-Acclaim Writer and Blogger Cannick, Jasmyne-Leading Gay Advocate / NBJC BoardCarn, Rudolph-Longtime Community AdvocateCaywood, Michael-Promoter of San Juan BrothasChester, Rodney-Alex on Noah's Arc Christopher, Devon-Publisher of Bleu Magazine Christopher, Michael-Author & CartoonistClay, Stanley B-Author & PublisherConway, Zandra-Community Activist / NBJC Board MemberCooper-Spencer, Doug-Author Cramer, Duane-Acclaim Photographer in San Francisco Cruz, Wilson-Leading Out Actor In HollywoodDaniel, Ivan-Promoter in Los AngelesDaniels, Lee-Producer of Monsters BallDarden, Rashid-AuthorDavid, Christopher-Author Davis, Herndon-Leading Black Gay Radio/Talk show Host Dawson, Sean-Houston Splash PromoterDevin-Flava Life Editor-In-ChiefDunbar, Rockman-Soul Food and Dirty Laundry ActorDupree, Necole Luv-Drag DIVA in Atlanta Dupree, Niesha-Legendary Drag MotherEdozier, Frankie-Journalist At New York Post English, Gary-National Community Advocate / Exec Dir POCCEvans, Rodney-Writer / Director of Brother to BrotherFletcher, Buddy-Philanthropist Fowlkes, Earl-Federation Of Black Gay Prides PresidentFullwood, Steven-Librarian / Author / Poet / Historian Gossett, Deondray-Director/Producer/Actor in Los AngelesHardy, James Earl-AuthorHarris, E Lynn-Literary Genius Harris, Mark-Songmaster / Travel Planner & PromoterHawkins, Joe-Community Advocate / Promoter / online Zine Hayes, Lee-Novelist in Washington DCHinson, Michael-PoliticianHuntley, Warren-Businessman in Atlanta Jamal, Maurice-The Ski Trip / Dirty LauntryJackson, Ken-Film MakerJenkins, Dwayne-Community Activist in Nashville, TN Johnson, Don el-Promoter of Winter ExplosionJohnson, Ramon-gaylife.about.comJones, Jonathan-Author: A Survival Guide For Black Gay Youth Jones, Rev. Antonio-Unity Fellowship Church in AtlantaJones, Thierry-Photographer, Promoter and Web designerKeith, Gregory-Trey on Noah's Arc King, James L-Author / PublisherKing, Jeffery-Community Advocate In Los Angeles LaCook, Cookie-Legendary Comedian and Drag Personality in HoustonLeNear, Quincy-Director/Producer/Actor in Los AngelesLions, Glenn-Professional Artist Loftis, Craig-Sensational House DJ in ChicagoLord, Raquel-Legendary Drag Illusionist Lowe, Neil-Businessman In New YorkMalebranche, David-President's Council on HI/AIDSManago, Cleo-Leading SGL AdvocateMartinez, Steven Emmanuel-Blogger / WriterMcCullum, Rod-Rod 2.0 Blogger / OwnerMcIntosh, Sophia-Atlanta's Mouth of The South McMillian, Anthony-Community ActivistMcNeil, Greg-Acclaim Photographer in Los Angeles Medrano, Luis-Sizzle Miami PromoterMiss Ruff n Stuff-Superb Comedian / Entertainer in ChicagoMizrahi, Andre-Legendary House Farther Mizrahi, Jack-Legendary Ball CommentatorMizrahi, Selvin-Legendary Ball Commentator Moore, Lisa-Publisher / Red Bone BooksMorgan, Alphonso-Author of SONSMugler, Whitney-Legendary Face / Ballroom SceneNero, Clarence-Author of Three Sides To Every StoryOsubu, Tokes-Executive Dir GMADPierce, Fred-Legendary Promoter in New YorkPinckney, Lawrence-Promoter In New YorkPolk, Patrick Ian-Creator Noah's Arc & Punks Porter, Billy-Music & Broadway SensationPowell, Dwight-Clik Publisher and Sizzle Miami CEO Reeves, Ken-Black Gay Mayor / Cambridge, MaRichardson, Desmond-Professional DancerRoberson, Michael-Legendary House Father / POCC Deputy Dir Roberts, Frank Leon-Blogger / AdvocateRobinson, Alexander-Executive Director at NBJC Robinson, Andre-Sensational Photographer in CaliforniaRobinson, Rashad-GLAADRollins, Ricc-Photographer / Author in Tampa RuPaul-Legendary DIVA / Music, Television Sanchez, Stasha-Drag DIVA in AtlantaSaunders, James-Legendary Promoter in New YorkScott, Nathan-Promoter & BloggerSedrick, DJ-Legendary House & Hip-Hop DJ in DC Siluwe, Taylor-BloggerSmith, Frederick-AuthorSmith, George-Promoter in Houston Spearman, Doug-Chance on Noah's ArcStephens, Darryl-Noah on Noah's ArcSunbeam, Harmonica-NY Leading Host & Entertainer Tarver, Chuck-Creator of the Black Gay ListTaylor, Kevin L-AuthorTerry, Ken-Tribal/House DJ in New York Thomas, Gavin-DJ, Club Owner - MiamiTorres, Elliott-Promoter & BloggerTownes Maurice-Producer of The Closet T,J-Author/Cartoonist - BELASCOUnknown, DJ-Hot DJ in New York (DJ Unknown)Vincent, Christian-Ricky on Noah's Arc Wallace, Dereck-Xtreme Entertainment in AtlantaWilliam, Nathan H-Producer / Promoter in New York Williams, Malik-Brother Love Photography / Gay AdvocateWilson, Daryl-Promoter in Washington, DCWilson, Phil-Nation's Leading AIDS Advocate Wolfe, George C-Writer and DirectorXavier, Emanuel -Author / Poet / Actor

2006-10-21T14:08:00.000-07:00

To tell the truth

For those of you who don’t already know this young lady, I suggest you ask somebody. She is the truth and there is this rich sincerity in her voice that is unquestionable. The song “Resentment” is most known as sung by Beyonce on the new B-Day album. It has also been done by Victoria Beckham and each version unique. But take a moment to listen to Jazmine Sullivan’s rendition. This song gave me the strength to finally seek out the truth and not stand for anything less.

A lie is a powerful tool. It can be used as a “get out of jail free card”, it can be used to pacify, it can be used as a crutch, and it can also be used as the worlds most powerful “weapon of mass destruction”. For when a lie unravels, what are you left with?

The truth, and resentment.

Thank you Ms. Sullivan for ‘the truth’

With the lights on, or the lights off?

2006-10-13T12:50:00.000-07:00

One of my many pet peeves is sex in a pitch-black room. Not only can you not see what’s going on, (sight is one of my favorite senses especially when it comes to relations) you are left with just 4 other senses- taste, touch, hearing, and scent. Now, don’t get me wrong the other four can still make for “good times” but I just like seeing what is going on. I mean damn, can I get a candle, some soft light, hell I’ll even take a night light but with no light I say “no way” . It makes me feel like I’m trapped in some cavernous dungeon doing a terrible thing or at one of those sex parties where everyone is trying to hide while getting their jollies. lol

Why is it that everyone wants to turn the lights off? Does it tie in with some subconscious need to hide in the dark because they think what their doing is dirty and wrong? Do they just not like to see their partner and fantasize about someone else there in the shadows of black? Are they insecure with their own bodies and hoping to hide those mental love handles, five extra pounds, and all the other things that aren’t “perfect”? WHAT IS IT?

Maybe it’s my fear of being slipped a micky in the sac or just my voyeuristic tendencies? Hell, all I know is that I like to see what I’m doing. Am I wrong for saying “nevermind” when he hit the switch? Or at the very least have the courtesy to ask...

Lights on or lights off?

SOME CALL IT INFATUATION- I CALL IT KARAOKE

2006-10-02T11:36:00.000-07:00

Lately I’ve had this burning urge to get up on a stage and sing. Don’t ask where it came from but its there. Usually I sing my diddy’s around the house and in the car. However, now I want more. Lol. Seeing as though I live in the boondocks and there aren’t any open mic nights within a 30-mile radius, I will be subjecting you to my delusions of grandeur. Sorry but desperate times called thus, I resorted to desperate measures…

Its no secret that I love some Mr. Legend. I can't wait for the new album to drop. So, in anticipation- this is my bootleg rendition of “SAVE ROOM”.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyqKXPm8XS4

I wanna get intimate

2006-09-25T08:33:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite quotes is “The unexamined life is not worth living”. Socrates said this centuries ago, yet it still has so much truth. How will we know who we are if we don’t even take the time to find out? Just assuming you are because “you think” or mamma, daddy, siblings, friends, or peers have told you, isn’t good enough. You have to KNOW who you are and finding out is a journey.

I’ve been on this mission for years to find out just who I am. Its difficult because I’m constantly evolving. One minute I will want to be an acoustic guitar player like India Arie, and the next ill want to be a Hollywood set designer, columnist, or life coach. Through all the changes, I’m still figuring it out slowly but surely. As the child in me finds his home in the adult I’ve become.

I was the kid in grade school who repeatedly got in trouble for daydreaming. Now, I still find myself lost in childhood daydreams. An hour can pass and feel like a second while I’m lost in my own imagination. I used to think about who I would become, now I get caught up thinking about who I am.

One of my latest revelations of “who I am” is some who desperately needs the one thing he’s deathly afraid of. Let me break it down.

The thing I need most also scares me the most. That thing being intimacy. Not sex. Intimacy. Many people come in and out of my life but they all have something in common. They never really get “intimate” with me. I have friends, family, associates and the whole nine but they never really get “intimate” with me.

I think this has something to do with my childhood. My parents weren’t the most affectionate people and it rubbed off on me. Hugs, kisses, opening up, all that stuff scares me unless I fully trust someone and the truth is I have serious trust issues with most people so I remain at a distance. One of the things I get from my father other than his stubbornness is my difficulty saying, “I love you”.

When I say I want to be more intimate this does not mean I want to caress, fondle, hump, and slob on the people in my life. It means I want to open up a little more without the little man in the back of my mind telling me everyone has ulterior motives and will wind up hurting me like so many others have. I want to know what its like to hug a friend or just lay in their lap while they rub my head without having to fear that they will try to have sex with me. I want to show more people the other side of Dayne, the vulnerable side, the crazy side, the guy who’s not always in control. This is my perception of true intimacy.

Well this is me, this is my start. Here I am, in all my vulnerability. This is my attempt to get past the fear to what I need most. Knowing is half the battle, right?

I'm flying

2006-09-18T20:09:00.000-07:00

I wanna have sex with the sky and let my orgasm fall down as seed to the earth
run buck naked in a field using mile high grass to cover my flesh
I wanna scream out "joy" to the world to the point even the deaf smile- contagiously infected by my happiness.

Today I feel free, as if I were Adam in Eden before the sting of sin kissed the world
like I’m in love repeatedly without ceasing and no thoughts of a broken heart
like first love
that good love
like good sex
like that gentle kiss on the back of your neck.

IN A NUTSHELL I FEEL GOOD.

Dayne shut the hell up you say? What the hell has you feeling so damn good you wonder? Well, I’m glad you asked. I was reading up on the Buddhist culture. They have a saying that goes "If its fixable, its not worth worrying about and if its not fixable, worrying wont make it any better". That mantra seems so simple but if you think about it-there’s power in it. Why worry?

As a Virgo and someone who is somewhat compulsive in nature, I always want things to be perfect or not at all. I feel like the harder I work, the more control I will have over all my situations when in reality there are certain things I will never have the final say in.

Christians say If you are gonna pray about it, don’t worry- which is similar to Buddhist beliefs. Why worry about something you have no control over. It’s like trying to do the impossible. Instead of worrying today- try to leave that for the only one who has everything in control whether you believe in Buddha, Allah, Jesus, the great cabbage etc. Let your higher power work it out for you and see how much better you feel.
Hell today I feel like flying...lol I hope this feeling lasts.

WTF???

2006-09-08T11:26:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I didn’t win the big powerball jackpot. Thus, I’m back to life as normal. DAMN Damn Dammit to hell! Why cant I just be rich and fabulous already?

Anyways I have a quick question. Whats my deal with fag hags? The other day, I found myself flirting with one like I was straight or something. I got the number and the whole nine. She was beautiful, had a powerful vibe working for her which I found irresistible and I found myself feeling like a bee to honey. I could have swore she even got my mojo working. That struck me as pretty damn weird.

Yes yes yes…I know I know. A beautiful woman is a beautiful woman and I can still identify beauty no matter what sex its in. However, usually the only females I’m attracted to sexually are the hard lesbians who look more like really pretty boys (for obvious reasons…you know the short hair, boy clothes, etc.) But when I felt a lil rumble in my jungle down below for a real girl who was in girl clothes with hair done up and the whole nine, that threw me off.

My run in with this chick has reduced me to come sit in the corner and collect my thoughts like a child forced into timeout. What’s really going on here?
Am I becoming straight or do fag hags hold some kind of mystical power to attract men like me? I don’t have many female friends and don’t know any fag hags personally so maybe someone can help me with this.

25

2006-09-05T05:38:00.000-07:00

Thank you everybody for your comments and calls wishing me a happy birthday. I must admit im not really a b-day person but 25 was a good one for me.

This is a list of 25 things I know to be true at 25.

Sometimes my shit really doesn’t stink.
I have adult ADD and OCD with an emphasis on the obsession side.
Bush is the antichrist.
Booty is one of the prettiest body parts God made.
Successful adults realize and work to heal the scars from their childhood.
My mother will never accept my sexuality and will always believe I was molested as a child no matter how many times I say I wasn’t.
Parents are not perfect. Sometimes they need the same beatings, timeouts, and punishment they give to their children.
I am not my sexuality.
A good friend may not be able to feel your pain for you, but will at least try to take it away.
The government is a deep ocean of secrets, legal crime and accepted injustices.
It is never too late to turn your life around.
Sometimes the biggest assholes are people with the biggest hearts.
I am a living, breathing, contradiction. Bittersweet, crazily-sane, calculated-spontaneity, dumb-intelligence. Etc lol
College isn’t so bad.
Crocodile hunter Steve Erwin should have left those damn animals alone. RIP
Most marriages and relationships fail because people try so hard to hide the fact they are so F%$ked up. I think more people should enter into a new relationship by saying “Hi, my name is ______and I’m have a drug problem, I will nag the hell out of you one day, I only look this good because I spent 5 hours getting ready or whatever their issue(s) are.
I am a beautiful person.
Desire will trump destiny if it is strong enough.
The world would be a much better place if everyone was having good sex.
I didn’t get enough hugs and affection as a child.
I am on my way to greatness.
If you look at life as a playground, it wont hurt as much when you fall.
Getting older isn’t so bad.
Racing through life doesn’t make it any better, however, taking time to enjoy the race does.
One day this thing called life will finally make sense.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

2006-08-30T08:57:00.000-07:00

Break out the fine china and crystal stemware!
Sound the alarm and ring the Motherf-ing bells!

Im will be a quarter of a century tommorow.
Yes, August 31st Dayne turns 25 years old.
Honestly, I never thought I would even see 25 and now that it will be here in less that 24 little hours im feeling a little weird- but good.

Just so yall know, I wear a medium, 32 waist, size 10 shoe and love cash and being serenaded...lol

At the very least drop me a happy b-day line.

VIRGOS ROCK!!!!!!!!

WHEN THE LEVIES BROKE

2006-08-23T06:44:00.000-07:00

I will never forget August 31st of 2005. It was my 24th birthday and the day was filled with chaos. Havoc seemed to break out across Atlanta after people found out because of Katrina gas prices would rise yet again. For the first time in my life I saw a gallon of gas go to over $4.00 a gallon. When I first started driving it was only 90 cents. Lines at the gas stations backed up with cars and the wait at some places was about 45 minutes.

I’d seen on the news the devastation of the hurricane but it didn’t really hit me until I saw the price of gas.

Now about a year later, I got hit again. This time it was an upper cut to my heart. After watching Spike Lee’s AMAZING documentary “When the Levies Broke” on HBO my perspective on life was somewhat changed. I tip my hat to Spike because for the first time since Katrina I saw a real view of what was going on. It was as if Katrina hit my home. I could smell the floodwaters, feel the strong winds blowing me, smell the death, and taste the people of New Orleans tears rolling down my face.
The documentary was so powerful. If you haven’t seen it I would strongly recommend you watch. “When the Levies Broke” changed my views of the government, and showed me the true resilience of New Orleans. And if you plan to watch just prepare yourself because the watered down images the media has been feeding us have nothing on this documentary.

Back in the day when I was young im not a kid anymore but somedays I sit and wish I was a kid again

2006-08-17T06:51:00.000-07:00

As a child, I wanted to race through life growing up as fast as I could. Ridiculously, I thought there might be some sort of prize waiting for me in adulthood if I could only get there faster than the average kid. I acted older, hung around older people, even graduated and went off to college at 16.

From 16 to 23 I was still racing life, naively thinking that I was on my way to this wonderful title of adulthood. It was like I was racing against the clock to figure it out, get to my destiny and say "ha ha world I did it!".

Now, approaching 25 I realize that I had the prize before and never knew it. As a child I had the simple pleasures of no responsibility. I wish I had known then what I know now. I would have taken advantage of not having to pay pills, long summers of playing out in the sun, a heart free from stupid men who live to break it, and the beauty and innocence of childhood. And on top of all that I could still eat dairy all day and not worry about "lactose intolerance"!

Now, my heart has been broken umpteen times, I have bills up the ass, and responsibilities never stop. I have a grown up life with all the stresses that entails. All the while I’m still trying to figure out life, where I fit in with the universe and what purpose I have. Im back in college 8 years after graduating high school and still don’t know “What I want to be when I grow up”. But im grown…

Damn I want a strawberry shortcake ice cream bar, and to put on some crazy loud ass 80’s gear(maybe some bicker shorts) and go run around in the sun like I did as a kid. Without having to worry about a man, bills, or any other adulthood things in the back of my mind.
Anybody feeling me, or is it just me?

SUMMER COLD

2006-08-09T10:12:00.000-07:00

Summer colds are the absoulute worst! This chaps ass! I dont know how I got sick but I'm suffering none the less. Not only is it hott as the devil's nutts outside but im burning up on the inside. I feel like global warming has taken over my body and im all achy and stuff. I have work, school, tests, etc and it feels like I cant stop to recover. But, it feels like i'm living in a cloud right now. Everything is hazy and my thoughts are scattered in between white smoke. And if I have to blow my nose one more damn time I swear im just gonna go lay down on the highway while singing "Mary had a little lamb".

While Im getting myself together Im going to leave yall with my top ten hotties. These guys are about as hot as this august weather. (This list was rushed and remember im not all there right now so if you have any suggestions feel free to comment)

Laz Alonzo- From AM BET and Dissapearing acts, to the movie Jarhead. I'm a sucker for a lightskin man with a pretty face and smile and he has both.

Actor Mekhi Phifer has a street side mixed with hollywood hotness and that smile is like whoa. All those pretty white teeth make me smile back.

Singer D'angelo. I never told anyone this but when the video for "How does it feel" came out, how come I taped it and watched it over and over and over and over again. Im sure I wasnt the only one either.

Magician David Blane, I dont know if its those mysterious brown eyes or the fact that he can do majic tricks. I could just imagine myself as his assistant pulling something out of his hat.

Okay so now blogger wont let me ad any more pics. DAMN U BLOGGER! but the rest are

Marlon Wayans- The funny one from the Wayans clan

Joe Budden- Rapper. Cant wait for him to make his come back

Vince Carter- Basketball player. There goes that smile again.

Vin Deisel- What can I say?

Hill Harper- Actor

Dorian Messick- Watch out for this guy. Actor best known for his supporting roles in hollywood. Soon Messick will star in a TV show called 6 degrees. And that nose, I have a thing for noses and his is perfect.

***This list isnt in any particual order

Random mood Random post

2006-08-07T07:03:00.000-07:00

"Flavor of Love" was way too much for my poor soul to take. I didn’t watch the first season, but I have a feeling I will be watching season two. All the ghetto girls, fights, and why did big mama dookie on the floor? I would have jumped out the bathroom window from the shame. I guess its obvious to everyone but flav that every girl there has ulterior motives. Would you stoop for 15 minutes of fame?

Why has "PJ's" friend been calling me?

I'm a semester away from graduating and wondering, is the tassel really worth the hassle. I still have no clue what type of career I could enjoy other then what I already do on the side. Will the piece of paper really help?

I just realized everyone has fetishes. Just not everyone is bold enough to admit them. If you had a kinky fetish would you let your partner know?

In fact, how much of your secrets do you reveal to you lovers? Do you tell them EVERYTHING? All the x's, the mistakes you’ve never told anyone, the shame the guilt? If so when do you tell them?

I hate when men call me papi or daddy any other time then during sex. And I hate when men refer to their booty as a boygina or pussy. It freaks me out. What turns you off?

How old is too old to be in the club? I remember when I was younger going out seeing guys in their 40's preying on the young, tender boys that didn’t know any better and in my heart secretly prayed I would never be like them.

Am I in a drought cause it seems most of my questions are about sex?

Meet Mr Me 2-0-0-0

2006-08-02T07:51:00.000-07:00

Why do they keep testing me?

Bible says hell hath no fury like a woman’s wrath. But that’s because they didn’t know me in biblical days.

When I was a teen, I had a helluva temper. It scared my mother and sometimes me. She gave me the book “Gifted Hands” by Ben Carson in an effort to curb my short fuse but it didn’t work. I would cuss out anybody and was quick to hit people. It wasn’t until years later when maturity started sinking in that I calmed down and stopped going off over the “small stuff”

WELL

HE CAME BACK. The old me that I thought died, came back full force.

They say jealousy is a sign of insecurity but the hell with that. I’ve always been a very possessive person. Never liked sharing my toys, food, etc (I’m the baby and never had to share). When all the other little children were in kindergarten learning how to share and eating glue, I was skipped to the first grade. Since I never learned to share as a child, I am the same way in adulthood. It’s no surprise that I’m possessive when it comes to my men.

I know you are probably wondering...Well damn what happened. Sorry but I cant tell everything, it may incrimnate me later on when the folks from Judge Mathis, Maybeline, Joe Brown or whatever other court show comes calling. Long story short, this weekend I flipped out like Delta Burke after not eating her morning box of Twinkies. I’m talking about going off like Whitney and Bobby with no crack. I was actin a fool like lil Richard with no more pankace #5...wooooooooooo SHUT UP!

After the cloud of anger passed the smoke of temporary insanity evaporated, unleashing a few new curses ears have never heard, getting to the bottom of things, and setting everyone straight, I made sure it wont happen again.
So If you see me on the news…just know its all good (joking)

Shhhh!!!!!!!!!!

2006-07-26T11:16:00.000-07:00

I cant stand when people run their mouths. Especially when its about stuff in the distant past that is better left unsaid. Just yesterday I found out that this trifling queen I used to kick it with (when I was 17, young, and dumb) has been putting my name in his mouth. Apparently this other person (I will call him “Princess Jameel” or “PJ” for short) has not let go of the past. I was talking to a mutual friend who just found out we all sorta know each other.

Friend asks- So when was the last time someones brother caught you in the act?

This question was totally random and caught me off guard. At first I responded with a “huh” cuz I had know idea what he was talking about.

Friend says- PJ told me he knows you.

Instantly I go back 7 years in time to when PJ and I were kicking it. And yes I admit there was a time we were doing the do and his brother unlocks the door and walks in on us. How embarrassing right? But I was only 17 so I chalk that one up to the game.

How and ever! What I did not appreciate is PJ bringing up the past. Who I do the do with is really nobodies business, especially if it was close to a decade ago. Maybe it was the fact that since then “Princess Jameel” has done a complete 180 and is everything but a drag queen. Tight clothes, pencil thin eyebrows higher than McDonald’s golden arches, crazy clothes, vogue’d out and the whole nine. Now, I’m not hatin but I really cant say that I would be proud to be seen with him let alone tell someone that we used to kick it.

PJ, I hope you read this. And since you wanna go broadcasting unnecessary things. How about you tell the people how you shitted on my fingers you trifling queen! I wonder how that got conveniently left out of your trip down memory lane. So if and when I see you again don’t wonder why I wont speak- I don’t talk to loud mouth sissies.

SHE'S BACK!

2006-07-24T17:41:00.000-07:00

2006-07-22T21:01:00.000-07:00

The following is something I've been dealing with for a while now, yet too ashamed to admit. Lately, I've started to embrace the fact that I'm in transition and dont mind saying im in a state of off and on confusion just like most young adults. I hope that maybe someone who reads this and may be going through a similar sitiuation will find comfort in knowing they are not alone. I'm in the struggle with you and we will make it out. I ran across this on the net. Hope it helps someone else.

The Quarter-Life Crisis by Brenda Della Casa

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.
You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.
You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.
One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.
You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

WHATS GOING ON

2006-07-21T08:20:00.000-07:00

War is not the answer, only love can conquer hate -Marvin Gaye "What’s Going On"

All my life, I’ve viewed the military as this faceless, mindless, entity of America that was just for "them". I knew from the depths of me that the military was something I would never be a part of. And that whole "Gays in the Military" fiasco sealed the deal. At 18, when I reluctantly signed up for the draft, in the back of my mind I silently dared Uncle Sam to call me. I would go into that office and give ole' Uncle Sam a kiss he'd never forget. Then, I would show him love letters from some of my ex's. Don’t ask don’t tell my ass!

We are still in the 2nd major war of my lifetime and I like many Americans find myself clueless as to why. Up until recently this whole Iraq controversy was just something going on in Iraq. Since it didn’t directly influence my daily activities, I didn’t really pay too much attention. Hell its been going on so long at times I forget we are still at war.

Then came "Steve". I met him on a trip to Puerto Rico. My first introduction to Steve was in his boxers and let me tell you... Steve is a fine fine man. 6'2" about 195 (solid) with legs that looked like succulent glazed Easter hams, abs, arms, face, and surprisingly a very nice personality.

Today, I found out that Steve is in the Military and instantly my "over there" mentality slapped me in the face. "Over there" suddenly came straight to my front door. Steve is leaving for Afghanistan in a week. I'm still having trouble grasping the concept of someone so young, so talented, so beautiful going to a battle zone he may not return from.

What would happen to his children, and loved ones if he doesn’t return? I can’t fathom it. Sadly, in war these things happen far too often.

Before Steve the war was senseless, before him casualties were painless, now he put a face to this Iraq dilemma that I still don’t fully understand.

For those in the military, my question is why did you choose to serve.
For those not in the military, my why aren’t you serving.For everyone, what is this war all about? And please pray that Steve and all the other "Steves" make it home safe.

You Are My Friend

2006-07-16T19:56:00.000-07:00

Faith Evans-

From my favorite singer- this is a product of my first late night "You Tube" session. No lie, I've seen this video at least a thousand times. However, my mission in posting it is that hopefully it will touch someone as it did me today. After listening to a song for years, for the first time, I finally HEARD it. Today it took a special meaning. Every word I applied to my own life. Apply the words to yours.
Know that you are all you need to get by.
Know that everything you seek is inside you.
Know that you don’t have to continue a quest for something that has been there all the time.
Be your own friend.
Love yourself just a little more starting now and I dare you to tell me that your life doesn’t get better.
If you’ve stopped by my blog and watched the video, know that it’s not by chance. Yes, I’m talking to you! Just like it wasn’t coincidental that I finally realized "I've been looking around but YOU were here all the time"

Dayne- You Are My Friend
(a tangents poem)
Morning After alone my bed,
people I gave the title in haste- foes instead.
Not in needles, pill form, or powder to sniff,
but in you lay the only drug I need be with.
Second, triple, and quadruple guessing myself,
it was in me what I needed- no one else.

And around, and around and around and around,
in the mirror, what I searched- finally found.
(I am so not a poet right now but it’s late and I wanted to post.)

2006-07-14T06:31:00.000-07:00

When is the last time you had a good laugh?
If its been too long, do it now!
Vow for today not to take yourself too seriously.
CELIBRATE LIFE.
LIVE, LAUGH, AND LOVE TODAY!

THE DEVIL WEARS CONFUSION

2006-07-10T18:09:00.000-07:00

I finally went to see The Devil Wears Prada last weekend. Many have already blogged about it but now it’s my turn. All I can say is that movie was INCREDIBLE. My attention span is shorter than my girl India Arie’s hair. Most times in the movies, after about the first half hour, my ass starts hurting and my adult ADD starts kicking in. But this movie had me from start to finish!

Meryl Streep deserves awards for her role because she wore the hell out of it. Pat Fields deserves accolades too because the clothes were on point!

The movie left me with a question. The question- What do you do when you get what you want, yet its not what its cracked up to be?

A few years ago, I took a break from a conventional life. Ignoring the advice of family and friends I set out on a mission to realize what in life would truly make me happy. Life had gotten to a point where my paychecks weren’t filling my soul nearly as much as they did my bank account, so I took a break from traditional 9-5’s and started searching for a means to make my soul do a backflip. One of my favorite quotes is by Socrates – “The Unexamined life is not worth living.”

Now, realizing I will be 25 in a month and a half and I’m still searching for fulfillment. I know what I love to do, yet the prophecy hasn’t been completely fulfilled. The downside is, life hasn’t stopped for my quest. My journey has led me on a fantastic voyage where I’ve discovered more about myself then I thought I’d ever know. Yet, bills still come, commitments still come, and life goes on.

The 20’s are a trying time where I’m on my way to finding it out, but still surrounded by a light haze.

The movie, The Devil Wears Prada was like a slap in the face, forcing me to deal with an issue I’ve put off for a while. What do you do when you get what you (think you) want, yet it’s not all its cracked up to be? And more importantly, what do you do in the meantime while you figure it out?

God read my blog prayer!

2006-07-05T15:11:00.000-07:00

If we all get 15 minutes of fame,
Iv'e only had 5
and that was borrowed time.

Now, I want the rest
10- 9- 8-7...
down to the final mintue,
second,
breath,
Until nothing's left
My final bow

Something great is in the making-
I see it in the stars,
feel it in the core of my being.
Just grant me time
as I get dangerously close to a quarter past.

EATING BOOTY

2006-07-05T14:26:00.000-07:00

Now for those of you that dont know, a few months ago I moved back to bootyscratch USA aka Delaware. I love the country-something about nature just drives me wild. I must admit living in the ATL for like six years I really missed it.

Anyway I say that because being In Delaware I am reaquainting myself with family in a way I havent done in years. As I get older I realize just how much family means. When I was down in the treanches it wasnt the friends, but my family who were still around.

My family however, is just like most- WE HAVE ISSUES.

Why is my immediate family still stuck on ground zero as far as trying to cope with my sexuality? I think its so crazy that my mom each time we talk about it acts like its the first time. (tears, bible scriptures and the whole nine...a mess) My dad avoids it like the plauge, and my sister is sometimey- one day shes ok the next im going to hell with "the rest of the fags" (her words)

Two of my really good friends came home for the summer and somehow both of their families found out about thier sexuality. Unlike my family, both of their parents were hurt for all of 2 seconds then moved on. Loosly translated the end of those conversations ended with "I still love you and just want you to be happy"

Why are my mom and pop dukes still at ground zero and should I even care if they make progress. I would be lying if I said I dont care because I do. But I have long since given up on trying to get them to understand this part of me. But secretly I long to hear those words "I still love you and just want you to be happy"

On a lighter note- Whats funny is that my mom asked me about eating butt. I thought that was hilarious. She thinks thats the nastiest thing in the world, but the fact that she even brought it up made me almost piss myself with glee. Hearing my mom, the holy roller she is talk about eating booty...priceless.

WATCH THIS!

2006-06-29T09:32:00.000-07:00

Hey Cash, Quaheem, 4gotten, valentino, and Mr. Trent. I know I've been gone for a minute and I will let yall slap me later (but not on the face cuz I'm yellow and bruise like bannanas)

Okay, so I got this email today from Lee (If yall haven't brought Passion Marks or Deeper Blue, what are you waiting on...Pheonomenal!) The email was about a series the Washington Post has done about being a black gay man. There is a short video clip of about 15 gay black men having dinner and discussing the issues we face in todays society.

Even though I was sort of dissapointed by the black gay men they had represented, im still glad they covered this topic. Washington post where were the 20 somethings, the teenagers, the hip hop heads, the club kids, the men that dont just wears collar shirts and loafers? Why didnt yall ask me....hell I have STORIES FOR YO ASS!!!! lol.

Check out the series and let them know what you think so they can keep doing stories like these. Without a response they will think there is a lack of interest. So get to getting yall cuz I want to see a black Brokeback mountain in my time.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/metro/interactives/blackmen/blackmen.html?nav=housead

2006-06-28T06:55:00.000-07:00

The BET Awards 06’
I will not say anything negative about the program because actually, I thought it was great. Every year it gets better and the budget increases along with the star power. However my analytical Virgo eye picked up on a few things. What’s your take?
Damon Wayans as host?
Beyonce- If this chick gets any straighter I think I’m going to have to be straight. And what drag queen choreographs her performances because sometimes I would swear I’m watching a Monday night show at traxx.
The sound man- What kind of drug was he on?
Kirk Franklin and Kanye West- What kind of suits were they wearing. HOTT! I want 2 of each in black and ivory.
Fantasia and Jamie Foxx- What was with the drool and that big ole kiss? Wow
Mariah Carey- After being publicized for weeks as a performer where the hell was she. I always love seeing her perform. The way she flails her arms about as she sings makes me laugh. It’s a cross between catching the Holy Ghost and schizophrenia.
Yolanda Adams- Thank god she sang during the tribute because not only is she one of the few that could hit “Chaka notes”, she also showed the old Christian fogies that you can have some fun and be saved. I know she will probably catch heat for singing those secular songs but oh well. Job well done.
Chaka Khan- I love her. All I will mention is the fact that Sean Combs had to keep taking his sons hands from his ears while Chaka’s notes went higher and higher.

What did you think of the Awards?

2006-05-03T07:48:00.000-07:00

Well, in my downtime I'm glad to report that I have succesfully finished the writing phase of book #2. Im so excited. Now its on to the editing. Continue to bare with me because this will take some time. My goal was to book out a book every year but I would rather put out works that I can be proud of then rushed, deadline based crap.

Thank you to everyone who brought "I Wrote This Song" and if anybody out there knows good editors looking for work please let me know.

2006-05-02T10:34:00.000-07:00

I'm back for the time being but must admit I'm a lil rusty. I haven't blogged in a while. I guess the saying "if you don't use it, you lose it" is true for blogging. Somebody help me out and give me something to post about until my mojo comes back. Right now I'm fresh out of topics.

Thanks ShawnQT, Cash, 4gotten1, and Valentino for checkin on your boy. I'm cool and its good to be back.

BACK TO LIFE, BACK TO REALITY

2006-04-28T05:59:00.000-07:00

WOW, does anybody remember soul2soul? I used to hate that song...lol

For those of who that still give a rats ass and haven’t given up on coming to my blog. IMMMM BACK. I know its been over a month since my last post, but let me tell y'all what happened. LIFE HAPPENED. One of my friends told me last week- "Baby life goes on, with or without you." At first it seemed like a backhanded compliment. But after thinking about it a little longer I was like- that is so true. Over the last month life has been, well a transition to say the least. My world has gotten flipped upside-down, reversed, rotated, shifted, chewed up like gum and then hung to dry. And just like my friend told me, life still went on.

There were a couple weeks that I called myself taking a break from life by just chilling real hard, reevaluating and doing everything out of my normal routine- and life went on.

My point folks, Life is happening- with or without us its happening. I asked myself this question the other day and have been on a rampage ever since.

Life is a journey. You can have anything you want if you work hard. You can do anything you want if you try. And you can be anywhere you want to be. So I asked my self if all this is true, why am I here in this moment, with these things, at this place? Some will say because its destiny. Some will say its "God's will". I will say its because I need to get back on my hustle because life is happening and I would rather it be happening with me then without.
Just food for thought that you can apply to your own situation (if you want)

WHY

2006-03-21T06:11:00.000-08:00

Why is the war in Iraq still going on? Three years later and there are still American troops fighting, people dying, and no resolve.

Why hasnt Bush been impeached?

Why do people say "We slept together" when they really mean "We had sex"? Last time I checked there was no sleeping during sex (sometimes after).

Why arent Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown wards of the state by now?

Why after living and being with a mate for a long time do you start to smell like them (anyone else ever noticed that or is it just me?) ?

Why does an orgasim feel better than your first kiss with sometone?

Why does bad sex never feel quite as bad as bad love?

Why is crunk and B so popular?

Why dont people quit sending those annoying ass chain text messages to my phone? I love jesus just as much as the next man but I dont think my breaking the chain will guarantee the miracle like the messages promise. DAMN GIVE IT UP PEOPLE. And the sex jokes are just as dumb!

Why isnt there a pill for breaking up? I know there are plenty of pills for depression but there should be one that specifically targets a broken heart.

Why are there so many damn judge shows on television. Judge Alex, Judge Maybeline, Judge Millian, Judge Mathis, Judge Judy, etc. Enough already!

Why is the US one of the only 2 industrialized countries without free healthcare?

Why do some children (and adults) eat boogers???

Why am I 24 years old and craving a Peanut butter and jelly sandwich right now?

AMERICAN TRAIN WRECK

2006-03-15T07:57:00.000-08:00

I am currently in the process of consulting with lawyers. I'm angrier than a fat white chick named ruby after the health department shut her local Denny's (only 2.5 miles from her trailer park) down!

I'm trying to get a class action suit going against this season of American Idol. I want those sukkas to pay for the botox injections I will need if I subject myself to the torture of one more minute of that garbage. I just cant take it anymore! For the judges to be hoopin and hollerin every five minutes about how great the final twelve are and how this season is the best by far- Well, I just don't see it. I think this is the worst crock of poo ever. As Simon would say "Ghastly"! I think the Idol "machine" is running out of steam fast.

My face was so twisted last night as half watched the Idol hopefuls butche wonderful songs by Stevie Wonder. Okay, so you say "Dayne Stevie's been sounding a damn fool lately.". True true! Yet Stevie has been in the game for years and has written some of the best songs in creation. He has the right to sound a fool. These newbies have no right to sound the way they do. My face was so jacked up that my eyebrows are still touching my hairline.

My favorites were Chris ( he's my favorite no matter what), Paris (did yall see her almost fall in the beggining of the show?) , and the ditzy white girl (I forget her name but I love hearing her talk. She is hilarious and so sweet)

Other than that the show was a trainwreck. And what's up with the band? Ricky Minor has done some awesome work in the past but for American Idol?????? WTF And how did that girl forget the words. I'm going to stop watching!

I PEE'D MYSELF!

2006-03-10T06:42:00.000-08:00

HELLO and a hearty "I hate you" to the following bloggers:

Trent Jackson
LJ
Reddmann
Valentino

The four of you must have been absent from school those crucial days in the first grade when they were teaching the other children how to follow instruction! But its all good. I don't really hate yall just wanted to get your attention. Thanks for the unsolicited advice...lol (mooning you all!)

Fred Smith, keep your head up pa! The storm will pass.

Now on to my post...What is your pee story?
Everyone has pee'd on themselves at one point in life. We all have no matter how old, young, rich, poor, etc. You've spilled your bladder at least once. If you deny it, then you's a damn lie and leave my blog immediately!

My pee story (can't believe I'm sharing this but I need to lighten this blog up. Its been way to dark lately and my high yella presence alone isn't doing the trick.)

Picture it! Second grade, Mrs Phillips class. All the children were gathered on the multi-colored patchwork rug in the back of the class for story time. While Mrs Phillips was read, me, being the mischievous little kid that I was did something to land me in the time out corner. (don't ask what because it was too long ago to remember) Anyway I'm in the timeout corner facing the wall with strict orders not to move. Somewhere in between pages 10-13 of story time, I felt a swelling in my lower belly. The swelling grew. With each page turn I began to do the pee dance in the corner of punishment. I was too scared to ask to go to the bathroom, so I just danced and danced and danced until my stonewashed jeans became urine washed.

Once everyone got a good look at my soaked jeans, I got an early break from time out to go to the nurse. Here's the wooooo ha! The nurse only had one pair of pants that fit me. They were a brown, green, and yellow plaid pair of authentic seventies bell-bottoms (Mind you it was the early 80's). I had to go the rest of the day wearing a pair of out of style, "throwback to the days of disco" pants that made me walk like John Travolta in "Saturday Night Fever".

Back then, I didn't see the humor but today whhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeew! It is funny as hell! Makes me wanna do it again just so I can have an excuse to buy a pair of bell-bottoms and do "the hustle".

HAVE A GREAT DAY!

RUN YOU FOOL!

2006-03-09T06:20:00.000-08:00

Is it the rise of Pisces that's knocked my life off balance? Has Karma come to get me? Is God trying to whisper in my ear? Are bad things just coincidental?

Something just isn't right! I tell ya, something just isn't right!

Okay for those of you who tuned in to my blog this week know I was having a little situation with the lot I park at for work. They booted my car (in error). Anyway, I spent all day Tuesday arguing the boot off (for free). However, the kicker was- my car got broken into. My stereo, laptop, bank account info, and ring are now gone just like my faith in toothless crackheads and homeless people. The bastard busted out my drivers side window and dented my door.

I was only mad for like 2.6 seconds. I realized God is speaking. In every situation that's happened in these rocky past few weeks, he is speaking. The hard part is, not knowing what he is saying. The boot was a word, trouble on the job was a word, the breakin to my car was a word, and several other situations lately, that I choose not to blog about were not just words but sentences from the Lord. What I need is some type of translation- like an "understanding Jesus for dummies" book- hell they make em' for everything else.

My first kneejerk reaction was giving my job my 2 week notice and begin packing. I did give the notice to my job, but in the midst of making a list of things to pack I called one of my friends. We talked for hours. He told me not to leave because I keep running. This is true! When things get hard, I put on my sneakers and make a fast dash to the nearest exit sign. This has always worked for me. However, this time is different, I'm not 16, I'm 24. Even though I'm not that old, I'm getting a little too old to keep running. I'm still unsure if I will take of my running shoes and fight the good(or not so good) fight or flee to higher ground. Either way, I know God is talking. Once I decipher what the big man is saying, I will do just that. (Maybe this is me being bias, but I he is saying run, run, run, you fool) LOL.

****Not looking for advice- just venting. At the end of the day I have to decide whats best for me. :) THANKS FOR STOPPING BY.

The wheels on the bus go round and round

2006-03-07T05:57:00.000-08:00

Last night after work, I got to my car to find that the bastards at centre parking booted my car...LOL. I had left my cellphone at home so I couldn't call anyone to come get me and thus, I hightailed it over to public transportation.

I don't know what yall have in your respective cities, but in ATL- we have Marta. Marta is a damn mess! I am now convinced that riding public transportation should be an Olympic event. It is not for the novist. You have to know what your are doing or you will end up lost on the wrong side of the city.

Also, during my stint on Marta. I learned 3 things.
1. A lot of damn crazy folks ride the bus.
2. In the fluorescent lighting, I looked like a white boy and need summer sun asap.
3. The busdriver was on crack. (the way he was driving was a damn fool)

The funniest part of the 2 hour trip from work to my home was this off lady who insisted on paying for a free transfer. Her conversation with the bus driver made me feel like I was listening to a negro slave talk to ole' massah. Picture a brownskin lady, mid forties, 5'5, 240lbs, wearing stirrup pants and a trench coat talking to an already annoyed bus driver.

All I needs is a transfa sah!
Ma'am you don't have to pay, they are free.
Yes sah! I knows sah! But I's don't wont no troubles sah! All I needs is a transfa! (as she pays $1.75 for a free transfer...I was doing backflips in my head from laughing so hard)

That same lady got off at my stop. She got up before the bus came to a complete stop and as the busdrivers foot met the break, the crazy lady's face met this innocent, scared looking white lady's lap. She fell face first into the woman's crotch. The crazy lady started to scream as if she was dying.

OH JESUS!
OH JESUS!
OH JESUUUUUUSSSSSS!

The look on the white lady's face was priceless as I exited the bus shaking my head trying to hold in my contentment. It took the busdriver and another rider to help pry the lady from her face down position. The really crazy part was, I was too tired from the long journey to even laugh like I wanted to in the moment. But, it was still soooooooo funny. I chuckled all the way home as I walked about a mile and my thighs started itching.

STAY TUNED TO SEE IF I CAN GET MY CAR BACK WITHOUT PAYING THE BOOTING FEE....

2006-03-06T06:50:00.000-08:00

Okay what the F&ck is wrong with me? Life is a funny thing- one moment you are riding high and the next you are sleeping in your car.

Last week was a helluva one! To spare most, many of the gritty details I will just say I'm in a new space right now. Sometimes life has a way of stripping you down to the bare essentials to see what you are really made of. Sure, its easy to smile when you have everything you want and life is your pearl. But, can you still be happy when you have what seems to be nothing?

WELL IM STILL SMILING DAMMIT. And what may seem like nothing is actually a whole lot. I still have me and right now that's all I need.

There was this show on UPN called "Starting Over" where a bunch of women with issues were put into a house and forced to face their demons and move on with their lives. I feel like I'm starting over. The last chapter of my life lasted a year and a half but it is no more. Each day is new:
I'm re-learning me
Re-loving me
finding out where I should be.

In my evaluations of my life, I've been debating moving back to hickville USA aka Delaware. That is my home. I've learned the value of family and I miss them. I miss my nieces, my parents, my sister. I'm seriously thinking of relocating. I wrote my first book in Delaware, maybe its something about the seclusion factor that helps me focused?? Maybe moving back home will help me finish the second.

Just thinking out loud and venting. Blogger is my diary.

On a LIGHTER NOTE
Did Hip hop really win an Oscar last night? My jaw was on the floor after that chick hit the last note at the end of the "Its hard out here for a pimp" performance and almost shattered the glass of water I was holding.

Then when they got up to the mic to accept their award my eyes rolled back in my skull.
Acceptance speach as follows:
Blah blah blu blah blee
Nah mean shawty
Blah blah blu blah blee
yeah folk
wah wah wah wah wah
Nah mean!
Yeah shawty yeah shawty!

And for some strange reason, i've been singing "Its hard out here for a pimp" ever since. That song (in my opinion) is dumb as hell, but highly infectious.

Congratulations 3-6 mafia!

ARE WE OUR SEXUALITY

2006-03-01T06:04:00.000-08:00

I will try my best not to make this a long, drawn out, "go tell it on the mountain" post. First, I would like to thank everyone for their responses on yesterdays topic 'IN THE CLOSET?'. Those posts have inspired me to continue speaking on the same subject matter.

Question???
Are we our sexuality? I've never been the type who likes to pigeonhole myself into one category (gay, top, bottom, black, masc, fem, etc) I feel those labels are just another way to create division within an already separate world. However, some of the responses I've received yesterday have got me thinking. Am I my sexuality? Should the fact that I am a gay man be public or private domain? Does everyone have the right to have privy to my sexual orientation status?

I'm an 80's baby. I grew up during a time when being gay was NOT the norm or acceptable. Today, I still hold on to the way I was brought up and the time I grew up in. The cardinal rule in my family was to keep your business to yourself and not cause shame to the family.

When I posted yesterday I was secure in the fact that everyone who needed to know about my sexuality already did. My mother, father, sister, ex's, and other close family and friends know. Is that good enough? Granted, its no secret and I am and always have been who I am (hell, I'm the author of a gay themed novel). But, do I really have an obligation to disclose the fact that I like men to everyone?

Thanks DLB for your response it got me thinking. He said "If you can lie to your family you can lie to anyone". I never really looked at it as lying, rather withholding information. But, when it all boils down to truth, I guess it is a lie.

Most of you had positive "coming out" stories. Mine was far from it. My family is filled with God fearing, bible toting, holy water throwing Christians. In their world being gay is the ultimate sin. I will never forget the first time I made my mother cry. It was when she found out I was gay for the first time (Yes, I said first time. She needs constant reminders because she refuses to fully accept it.) She cried, prayed, cried, prayed, fasted, cried and prayed some more. It was like a part of her died that day. When I saw that pain, I never wanted to cause that again.

Again I ask, are we our sexuality? Do we need to wear the gay crown proudly, telling everyone about who we are, fight for civil rights, let our families meet our lovers etc? I never want to be viewed as "Dayne the gay..." You know how people do.
This is Dayne my gay cousin
This is Dayne my gay bestfriend
This is Dayne my gay grandson
This is Dayne the gay writer

I don't mind the title "gay" because it is a part of me. However, it is not all of me. We are diverse creatures who cannot be defined by just our sexuality, color, sex, features, location, socioeconomic status. etc.

So again I ask...Are we our sexuality? How much of a responsibility do we have to our friends, family, loved ones, and even the world to say... "Hey dammit, I'm here, I'm queer?" Are we any more or less gay/free/proud/responsible for doing (or not doing) so?

In the closet???

2006-02-28T07:13:00.000-08:00

Okay so I called my grandparents over the weekend. Needless to say, my nerves are just getting back to a state where I can type a full blogg. (Okay the conversation wasn't that bad. Truthfully, yesterday was too hectic to post, but it did throw me off)

Conversation snippet:

Hey pop pop, this is Dayne down in Atlanta

Oh Hey thurr', how's it going? Good to hear from you...Hold on let me get your grandmother on the phone. JENNIEeeeeee, PICK UP THE PHONE ITS DAYNE! (My pop-pop must have been a pimp in a former life. You have to witness him for yourself.)

Well Helloooooo! Oh my how are you Dayne?

I'm good mom-mom, cant complain.

You coming home for "Peachie's" Wedding?

Yes

So when are you getting married? You haven't thought about settling down yet?

And with that question I remembered why I only speak to my family every blue moon. My pop pops question hit me like an old school Mike Tyson uppercut to the face. I feel bad at times because I'm living like a recluse, secluding my family from the major events of my life. Somehow I just feel they wouldn't understand.

In my mind, if they haven't been able to figure out my sexuality yet, God bless their naive souls, but I wont be the one to tell them. I would love tell everyone that IM THE HOMOSEXUAL just so I can experience the kind a deeper connection with my family. Right now only my immediate family "knows" and up until now I figured they are the only ones that need to. Sadly, I have pretty much come to terms with the fact that most of my family would never understand the plight of the homosexual. Is it wrong to keep it from them, or is it best?

I left my pretend straight life 5 years ago when I moved to Atlanta. Since then ive never looked back and couldn't be happier. Now, when I speak to members of my family who don't know about "Gay Dayne" its like whoa, "you've missed out on 5 years of, drama, pain, joy, success, heartache, love, and life. When we talk, the conversations are dry as the Sahara because they still know me as the Dayne of 5 years ago, not the Dayne I am today.

Do any of you out there have coming out stories to share?

Anyhows!!!! Wattup to Antneya, Captains Cabinet, Cash, Charles X, Dizyaboy, DL Briggs, LJ, Madosi, ProffesorGQ, ShawnQT, That dude right there, and Valentino. THANKS FOR STOPPING BY FELLAS.

Trent Jackson... Did you really say your secret was humming like a bass guitar....lol Boy you are crazy!